Jackie Lantern
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Jonathan Crane develops a relationship with Valentina Crow, a doctor with a troubled past. Unable to give up his madness, Crane's feisty girlfriend takes on the criminal persona of Jackie Lantern, the bride of Scarecrow. Any and all aspects of Jackie Lantern's character are the concepts and property of Harlequinader, who owns copyright. Thank you for trusting me with her :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Jackie Lantern**

**Prologue**

"_Ring around the roses, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down…_"

Alice Valentina Crow stopped singing suddenly as the door banged open, knocking the ball which she had been throwing against the wall out of the way. "Alice, how many times have I told you not to play in the corridors?" snapped the doctor.

"Sorry, Dad," she muttered, slipping the ball back into her pocket, but not before her father saw it.

"Where did you get that?" he demanded, grabbing it out of her pocket. She shrugged. "I asked you a question, young lady!" he snapped.

"Someone gave it to me," she muttered.

"Who?" he demanded.

"Someone," she repeated.

He glared at her. "It was one of them, wasn't it?" he snapped, gesturing at the cells which lined the corridors. "One of those freaks? It's probably coated with poison or something – that would be just like one of the Joker's sick gags – give a toy to a child that kills her!"

"I'm not a child anymore, Dad," she muttered.

"You're not an adult until you are eighteen," he snapped. "You are thirteen years of age at present, so you are a child. You don't understand the world yet, Alice, you don't understand all the evil that people are capable of. Especially these people," he muttered, glaring at the cells.

"They _are_ still people, Dad," she retorted.

"Only in the minds of some," he muttered. "Now come back with me to my office. It's not safe for you here."

He seized her arm and dragged her out of the cell block and into his office. "Can I have my ball back please?" she asked, holding out her hand.

"No," snapped her father, throwing it into the trash can. She glared at him and sat down opposite his desk, folding her arms across her chest. He began making some notes, and while he was distracted, she reached into the trash can and retrieved the ball. She began throwing it and catching it, humming the same song.

"It's about the plague, you know," she said, suddenly.

"What is?" snapped her father, looking up at her angrily.

"The nursery rhyme. Ring Around the Roses. They used to use roses to try and keep away the plague, because they thought the disease was carried by bad smells. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down. It's about death."

Her father looked at her. "You're such a morbid child," he muttered, returning to his work.

"Anything I can take a look at?" she asked, nodding at the papers.

"You've looked at quite enough, thank you," snapped her father.

She gazed at him but said nothing. "Did you submit my theory about the Ventriloquist having multiple personality disorder to the other heads?"

"I did," he retorted.

"And?" she pressed.

"They will change his treatment," he finished.

She was silent. "I am good at it, Dad, aren't I?" she asked, softly. "I don't understand why you don't want me to train as…"

"Because they are dangerous people, Alice," he interrupted. "I don't want you to have anything to do with them."

"They're sick people, and maybe I can help them. I have good insights about…"

"Yes, you read a lot about mental illness in books, don't you?" interrupted her father. "And you think that means you understand these patients now? You don't, Alice. You don't have any idea what those freaks and monsters are capable of. I've seen them do things to doctors that would make your stomach turn."

"I doubt it. I've got a pretty strong stomach," she retorted.

"Oh, this isn't like a scary book or movie, Alice," he whispered. "This is real, true horror. Stuff that's been done to real people, by other real people. It's disgusting."

"I know, Dad. I've been sneaking pictures out of your case files since I was a kid. I know what these people are capable of."

"And yet you insist on talking to them, hanging around their cells, and wanting to train to dedicate your life to them. Why is that, Alice?"

She shrugged. "Maybe I understand them somehow."

"Maybe you do," her father agreed. "A little too well."

He stood up. "I want you to understand that this is for your own good, Alice. I have to stop this now, when you're young, before it can take hold and ruin your life forever."

"What's for my own good?" she asked.

He pressed a button on his desk and two guards entered the office. Something clicked in the girl's mind, and she turned to stare at her father in horror. "No. No, Dad, you can't do this to me! I'm your daughter! You can't do this! I haven't done anything, I'm not crazy, I…Dad! Daddy!"

He stared after her coldly as she was dragged away and back into the cell block. She screamed and fought as she was dragged down the corridor, under the watchful eyes of the patients – Two-Face, calmly flipping his coin, although his eyes were narrowed in anger as he watched her screaming. Poison Ivy, who stopped tending her plants to gaze in astonishment at her. And the Joker, who just sat there and smiled, laughing to himself, laughing at the scene of a child being thrown into a cell in a lunatic asylum for the criminally insane. She would remain there for two years.

...

One night, the despair suddenly seized hold, and she panicked. She had had several panic attacks over the last two years, where she had screamed and cried and beat the cell door, but nobody had heard. Or nobody had cared. And she felt the panic rush through her now, the fear, the terror, that she would never be free, that she would stay locked in here her whole life like the rest of the mad people. In a wild burst of desperation, she began banging on the cell door, screaming and panicking and crying. "I'm not crazy!" she shrieked. "I'm not, I'm not, I…"

"We're all mad here," said a voice from the neighboring cell. "Or so they would have us believe."

The voice was a comforting one – intelligent, cultured, soft and gentle. She stopped sobbing, wiping her eyes. "I'm not mad," she muttered. "I shouldn't be in here."

"Yes, I daresay they all believe that," continued the voice. "But it's no good telling the doctors that – they can't see it. The uneducated and stupid, blinded by their own ignorance. For what is madness, after all? No man can define it – he can merely say what it is not. When a man is mad, he is not sane. And when a man is sane, he is not mad. But you can't define the terms on their own. And if something can't be defined, how can a man be guilty of it? You see, madness and sanity can't exist without the other. They are dependent states of being. And so the line between them is almost impossible to distinguish and the terms themselves completely arbitrary. A man is mad when he is perceived as different to the norm. But the norm is an ever-changing, unfixed state. So how can a man ever be truly mad?"

She had stopped crying, and sat down next to the wall of the neighboring cell to listen to the strange voice. "I'm not a man," she whispered.

"Man, woman, all the same in terms of sanity, I'm afraid," continued the voice. "All the…"

He stopped speaking suddenly as he peered between the bars of his cell to see who his neighbor was. A look of astonishment passed across his face. "Good Lord. You're a child."

"I'm fifteen," she snapped angrily. "That's old enough to…"

She looked up suddenly and met his eyes. There was something fascinating in them, something warm and comforting, like his voice. He still stared at her with that same look of surprise.

"I've seen you before," he murmured. "You're one of the doctor's children. Whatever are you doing locked up in here?"

"You could ask Dr. Crow," she snapped. "I don't wanna call him my father anymore. What kinda heartless bastard locks up his own kid?!"

"I don't believe a young lady should know a word like that," he said, softly.

"Sorry, Scarface taught me it," she muttered. "He always tells me not to repeat stuff, and I always do."

She reached into her pocket and found the ball Scarface had given her, and began throwing it against the wall. "And I'm not a young lady," she continued. "My father wants me to be a lady, but I'm never gonna be anything my father wants. So I'll swear all I wanna, god dammit!"

She kept throwing and catching the ball angrily, and then took a deep breath. "Sorry, I'm not mad at you. I like what you said. Made a lot of sense to me, Mr…"

"Professor," he said. "Professor Crane."

"What are you in here for?"

He laughed. "I'm not a patient, Miss Crow. I've come from the university to help the patient in this cell with his claustrophobia. Phobias are a bit of a speciality of mine. Well, to be more precise, fears, rational or irrational, are my speciality. Claustrophobia is…"

"A fear of enclosed spaces," she interrupted. "I know."

"Um…yes," stammered Crane, surprised and impressed. "It's…rather unfortunate when one is locked up in an asylum, but then I suppose he would not be locked up in an asylum if he didn't have bizarre phobias. An unfortunate Catch-22 in his case. He's resting quite comfortably now, but I daresay your continued screaming may well wake him up."

"Sorry, I'll be quiet," she said, lowering her voice. "Do you have to stay here long?"

"I'm monitoring him through the night in case he wakes up," said Crane.

"Doesn't seem fair that you have to spend the night in a lunatic asylum when you're not insane," she said.

"Allow me to debunk you of the misconception that life is fair," said Crane. "It is by far one of the most painful truths one must realize."

She nodded, and then curled up on the bed, crying softly.

"You're crying," he murmured.

"I am not!" she snapped. "Kids cry! I'm not a kid!"

"You are, and you shouldn't be in here," he said.

"Shouldn't be but I am!" she shouted. "So unless you can think me a way outta here, why don't you just shut up and go away?"

He shrugged and prepared to leave the window. "No, Professor, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry…" she stammered, rushing over to him suddenly. "I'm just upset…I…"

He reached over to the bedside table and handed her a book through the bars. "Why don't you read this and try to distract yourself? It's not particularly wholesome for young ladies, but it's the only book I brought with me, and it's one of my favorite stories."

She took the book from him. "_The Legend of Sleepy Hollow_," she murmured. "I've been wanting to read this, but Dad won't…" She paused. "Dr. Crow doesn't believe young ladies should read morbid books. He's banned all kinds of horror stories and movies, but I've snuck in a few here and there. I just love them. Nothing like the thrill of fear."

"No," agreed Crane, smiling slightly. "No, there isn't."

She lay down on the bed, holding open the book with one hand and bouncing her ball with the other as she read. She lost control of it once and it bounced off the wall and flew between the bars into Crane's cell. She heard an annoyed sigh, and then his face re-appeared at the window, holding up the ball in disdain. "Is this yours?" he asked.

"Yeah…thanks," she said, taking it back. "Sorry. Um…what are you doing, now that I've stolen your book?" she asked.

"Writing," he retorted.

"A book?"

"A letter."

"Who to?"

"Dr. Leland."

"I like Dr. Leland. She's nice."

"Indeed she is. An eminently reasonable woman, who will surely see the insanity of confining a child in a lunatic asylum."

"You're writing about me?"

"Unless you know of another child confined in a lunatic asylum," he retorted.

She smiled. "Um…thanks. But wait a few more hours before you give the letter to her, huh? I wanna finish the book."

"You're nearly done?" he asked, surprised.

"It's not a very long story."

"Yes, but…for a child…"

"I told you, I'm not a child," she snapped.

"Do you…like it?" he asked.

"What's not to like?" she replied. "You got a haunted town, a headless horseman who throws flaming pumpkins…"

"Yes, I've always enjoyed the glamor in the idea of exploding pumpkins," agreed Crane.

"Plus they decompose, so there'd be little to no evidence at the crime scene," she said, nodding.

"Well, yes…quite," stammered Crane, impressed.

"And I really like this guy Ichabod Crane. He's a bit like you, isn't he, Professor Crane? Lanky, intelligent, interested in fear…"

"Yes, I used to wish that my parents had named me Ichabod," said Crane. "But then I doubt they had read the book. They were not what one might call educated people."

"Like my father then," she retorted.

"Hardly. They weren't monstrous enough to confine me to an asylum as a child."

"Well, if you listen to Dr. Crow, it's my own fault," she snapped. "He's doing this to break me outta my morbid tendencies before they dominate my life."

Crane smiled. "I don't know if this means anything, coming from a perfect stranger, but if I had a daughter like you, Miss Crow, I would be nothing but proud of her."

"It's Valentina," she said. "You can call me Valentina." She much preferred that to Alice. That was her father's name for her, and she was done with it.

"And you can call me Johnny," he said. "Or Ichabod, if you prefer."

"I prefer Johnny," she said. She smiled at him and then lost herself in the book.

...

Valentina awoke much later to the sound of the cell door creaking open. "Alice, there you are!" exclaimed Dr. Leland, rushing to embrace her. "The guards gave me a letter saying you were locked up in here, but I didn't believe it! Your father explained the situation – said you were raving, a danger to yourself and others, that there was no other choice at the time. But I told him he should have sent you to a hospital, not left you here among these people!"

"It's…fine, Dr. Leland," stammered Valentina. "Everyone here has been…very kind."

Dr. Leland hugged her tightly. "I'll do a few check-ups on you myself to make sure you're ok, but you won't ever be returning here. It's no place for a young lady like you."

"No, I guess not," agreed Valentina. Dr. Leland took her hand and led her out of the cell. "Oh…just a second," Valentina said, rushing back inside. She grabbed the book and her ball, which she threw into the neighboring cell as she passed. She heard Professor Crane growl irritably and beamed, slipping the book back in between the bars.

"See ya later, Johnny!" she called as Dr. Leland led her out of the cell block, shutting the door.

Professor Crane checked that his patient was still resting comfortably before he picked up the ball, tossing it into the corner of his cell in annoyance. He picked up the book and opened it, and was surprised to see a message written in a child's hand on the inside front cover.

_Ichabod,_

_ But I prefer Johnny. Thanks for the shiver. Exploding pumpkins are good – exploding jack o'lanterns are better. _

_ Love,_

_ Valentina_

Crane read the note in astonishment, and then smiled, shutting the book. "Remarkable child," he murmured. "Quite remarkable."


	2. Chapter 2

**Ten Years Later**

"How did this happen, Harley?" asked Dr. Valentina Crow, her mouth set in a firm line as she shone a flashlight into Harley Quinn's black eye.

"Bats," retorted Harley. "He tried to hit Mr. J, so I jumped in front of him, and Bats hit me instead."

"And you're sure it wasn't the Joker this time?" asked Valentina, skeptically.

"No!" snapped Harley. "Mr. J's been really good lately at hitting me so it don't leave marks…I mean…not hitting me at all…"

"Harley, you useless waste of space!" shouted Joker as he was dragged past the door to Harley's cell, cradling a broken nose. "Next time you wanna take a punch for me, make sure you shove me outta the way first! Your thick skull slamming into my face is at least as hard as Batsy's fist!"

"It was a romantic gesture, you dumb jerk!" shouted Harley.

"I'm gonna say that the next time I break your nose, you little brat!" he shouted as he was dragged off. "Which is gonna be the next time I get my hands on you, ya get me?!"

"He's just a little cranky 'cause we lost," explained Harley. "Puddin' don't like to lose to the Bat."

"You'd think he'd stop fighting him, then," retorted Valentina, going over to the sink and wetting a sponge. She handed it to Harley. "Keep that on the eye to prevent swelling. But I don't need to tell you that, do I? I'm sure you know the routine for black eyes better than I do."

"Look, Val, I know my puddin' can be a little rough sometimes, but he loves me really," cooed Harley.

Valentina said nothing. As a woman who had been pushed around by men her entire life, she had a much lower tolerance for the kind of crap Harley submitted herself to. If any man had even thought of bullying her, a friend, a boyfriend, anything, they were out. Nobody treated her like crap anymore. Especially not…

She glanced at the security camera. She knew he was watching her, like he always was. She and her father, Dr. Crow, never spoke anymore, despite working in the same building. But she knew he had a habit of spying on her, watching her to make sure she wasn't doing anything she shouldn't. She had only gotten the job as physician at Arkham because Dr. Leland had pleaded her case. Dr. Leland didn't understand why she wanted to return so badly to the place where she had been held for two years, but Valentina really liked most of the inmates. They needed someone who really cared to look after them, she thought, turning back to Harley. And they liked her. "Mother Arkham," they called her, because of her sympathetic nature. And because she occasionally snuck them candy.

"Can I have a lollipop for being good for the Doctor, Val?" asked Harley, hopefully.

Valentina sighed, but reached into her coat and handed her one. "And one for Mr. J?" she asked.

"Why?" she demanded.

"Because he likes them," she said. "And he'll smile. And I love his smile."

Valentina sighed again but handed her another one, trying to conceal a smile. Sometimes she agreed with everyone else about Joker and Harley. But the look in Harley's eyes when she talked about her Mr. J always convinced her that she really did love him, and it was incredibly sweet. "Thanks, Val, you're the greatest!" said Harley, hugging her. "Bye, Momma!"

Valentina left her cell, carrying her medical bag, and smiling. Harley always put her in a good mood. Which was suddenly ruined by a voice she recognized saying, "Hello, Alice."

She turned to see Dr. Isaac Arkham smiling at her with his reptilian smile. Dr. Arkham was descended from Amadeus, the founder of Arkham Asylum, and many of the other doctors believed that was why he had his job as a clinical psychiatrist here. Well, that was only half of his job, though Valentina, as she glared at him contemptuously. The other half was being her father's watchdog, keeping an eye on her for him, and harrassing her at every opportunity. Although maybe the latter was his own initiative – he was an incredibly creepy man who found her very attractive. And she loathed him.

"Hello, Dr. Arkham," she replied. "And goodbye."

"Which of the other freaks are you going to waste your skill on now?" asked Dr. Arkham, following her down the corridor.

"Jonathan Crane," she said.

"I forget which one of the lunatics that is…"

"The Scarecrow," she interrupted.

"Ah, yes. The Master of Fear," chuckled Dr. Arkham, dryly. "What melodramatic and fanciful ideas the insane have!"

"They're not the only ones," retorted Valentina, hurrying her pace. "Now if you'll excuse me, Dr. Arkham…"

She put her hand on the door to Crane's cell, but he seized her wrist. "Perhaps…after work today…you would care to join me for dinner?" he asked, smiling at her.

"Oh…no, thank you, Dr. Arkham," she said. "I'm…er…already going out for dinner tonight," Valentina invented quickly.

"On your own?" he asked.

"No," she lied. "With my…boyfriend."

He stared at her. "I was not aware that you had a boyfriend…does your father know?"

"I'm an adult – my father doesn't have to know who I'm dating at the moment," she retorted.

"What's his name?" asked Dr. Arkham.

"His name? Oh, it's…um…" Her eyes fixed on the name on Crane's cell and she said, "It's Ichabod."

"Unusual name. Is he a doctor too?"

"He's a teacher," said Valentina, remembering the story. "Real nice guy. We're very happy."

Dr. Arkham's eyes narrowed in anger. "Oh," he said. "Well…that settles it. I'll see you later, Alice."

She shuddered as he left, and then let herself into Crane's cell.

He looked up from his book and glared at her coldly. They had never made any mention of their past meeting to each other – in fact, Valentina wasn't sure he even remembered her. She had been so young, and there hadn't been a lot of light in the cell…true, she had signed his book, but Valentina wasn't such an uncommon name.

He put down the book and folded his arms firmly across his chest. Valentina repressed a sigh. This wasn't going to be pleasant for either of them.

"How are you today, Professor Crane?" she asked.

"I'm perfectly well, thank you," he snapped.

"I think you know why I'm here," she continued patiently.

"Yes. Because a certain doctor mistakenly believes that I need a tetanus shot," snapped Crane.

Valentina gritted her teeth. "Well, you did cut yourself on a piece of metal…"

"My scythe blade was not rusted!" snapped Crane.

"I saw the scythe, Crane, it _was _rusted," she replied. "And you know as well as I do there's a risk of getting tetanus from cutting yourself on a rusty surface. Just let me give you the shot - you'll thank me later."

He held up a finger. "One, I contend that the scythe blade was not rusted," he snapped. "I always take good care of my weapons. Two, even if it was, the cut was minor. Three, I did cut Batman with it, and I don't see him being subjected to this sort of rigmarole."

"I know Batman has had his tetanus shot," retorted Valentina. "I didn't give it to him…"

"Then you can't assure me of that, can you?" he snapped.

"I can, because Batman is a smart guy who would get a shot if he needed one!" she shouted. "Unfortunately you are not as smart as him, Professor Crane! You can either have this, or die in your cell. It's your choice. I don't know why you're making such a big deal of this."

"Because I dislike unnecessary inconvenience," he retorted. "And jumped up doctors who presume they know better than me."

"News flash, Professor, there are people out there who are smarter than you about certain things," said Valentina. "I went to medical school much more recently than you did, and I know…"

"Oh yes, you are younger than me, my dear," he agreed. "Which patently means you know less than me."

"I'm not arguing with you, Professor Crane," she said. "Either cooperate with me voluntarily, or I'll get the guards in here to hold you down. But either way, you will have this shot."

He said nothing, but continued to glare at her as he held out his arm. Valentina nodded, happy at her victory. She opened her bag and reached for the syringe, and immediately felt her heart begin to beat wildly.

_Just hold it together…_ she thought as sweat began to bead her forehead and her hands shook slightly. _Concentrate. You can do this._

"Are you all right?" asked Professor Crane, noticing the flush in her face.

"Yes, I'm fine," she snapped. "I'm completely fine."

She swabbed his arm with cotton, and then put the needle into the bottle of medication. She felt her heart hammering as she watched the syringe fill up. Then she pulled out the needle, wet and glistening, and suddenly her stomach tightened and she clutched the edge of his bed, breathing heavily.

Crane stared into her eyes and whispered, "You're afraid."

"I'm not…"

"I know fear when I see it," he interrupted. "You're afraid of needles?"

"That is none of your business," she gasped. "And I will not let any ridiculous fears get in the way of what I have to do…"

He suddenly seized the syringe from her with one hand, and with the other covered her eyes. Then he injected himself with the needle, and stood up, placing the syringe back in her hands.

"Some of us can master our fears," he murmured. "And some of us can't."

"I told you, I'm not…" she began, but he drew his hand away from her eyes suddenly and she was surprised to see him standing in front of her. "I'm not afraid," she said, firmly.

He smiled. "And you're not crying," he murmured. "Kid's cry, and you're not a kid."

She stared at him. "You do remember me," she said quietly.

"I remember the fear in your eyes," he murmured. "I don't forget fear in anyone's eyes. Whatever are you doing back in this terrible place voluntarily?"

She glared at him. "I was afraid to come back at first," she retorted. "But I won't let the fear of _him _control my life. I take it you understand that, Professor Crane?" she said dryly.

"Oh yes," he agreed. "Yes, I understand the nature of fear better than anyone."

He raised the needle to her face suddenly and she cringed. He smiled. "Difficult to face all our fears though, isn't it?"

"You bastard," she hissed.

"That's still not a word a young lady should know," he said, grinning.

"I'm still not a young lady," she retorted.

"No," he agreed. "But you are a very interesting young woman. And you were right, you know. I am glad of that shot after all."

He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. "Good day, Doctor."

Valentina threw the syringe back in her bag and rose to leave. She had just revealed her deepest fear to the Scarecrow. That wasn't smart. That wasn't smart at all.

As she turned to go, she suddenly noticed the book he was reading. It was the same book he had given her all those years ago, _The Legend of Sleepy Hollow_. She smiled at the memory, and then said, "Bye, Ichabod."

"I thought you preferred Johnny," he said.

She grinned. "I do," she said, winking at him, and she strode from the cell. She glanced back to see that his face was a little red. She had flustered him. That was good. He knew her deepest fear, and she knew how to turn him red. From now on, she vowed, she would only call him Johnny.


	3. Chapter 3

A few weeks later, Jonathan Crane escaped from Arkham Asylum. And a few days after that, the Scarecrow was brought back in by Batman, who dragged him down the hall as he howled in pain.

"I think he's broken a few ribs," muttered Batman as he tossed Crane into his cell, where Valentina awaited him with medical bag in hand. "Also his arm. And probably other random bones. Tragedy."

This was sarcastic, and he strode from the cell without another word. "Ok, Johnny, I'm just gonna give you a quick shot to ease the pain," she murmured, reaching for the syringe.

He immediately seized it from her. "I'll give it myself," he muttered. He raised the needle and then snapped, "Look away."

She obeyed, and waited for him to hand the syringe back to her. "You wanna lie down?" she asked.

"I don't think I'm capable of movement at present," he snapped, cradling his broken arm. "I can barely breathe."

"Oh, don't be such a baby, Johnny," she snapped, trying to help him onto the bed.

"Ow! Gently, woman, I thought you were supposed to be a caring doctor!" he shouted. "It seems to me like you're trying to kill me!"

"Don't tempt me!" she retorted. She propped him up on the bed and then gently pulled off his shirt to see multiple bruises, and bits of bone sticking through his flesh. It wasn't a pretty sight, but she was used to it.

"What were you trying to do?" she murmured, reaching for some salve and bandages. "What was the wild and crazy scheme this time?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he snapped.

"Fine," she retorted. There was silence between the two as she gently tended his wounds, picking up a sponge and rinsing them.

"I was trying to unleash fear gas in the University's football stadium," he muttered.

"Why?" she asked.

"To wreak chaos and terror, of course," he snapped.

"Of course," she agreed sarcastically. "But why?"

He glared at her. "You have pretensions to psychiatry, do you?"

"I'm just trying to make conversation," she retorted. "And I kinda wanna know why Batman thought you deserved all this."

"Because the man is a bully," retorted Crane. "A bully and a brute, callous and unfeeling, who validates himself by picking on those weaker than he is."

"It couldn't also be because you wanted to cause the death of hundreds of people?" asked Valentina sarcastically. "And Batman doesn't think that's a very nice thing to do?"

"The man's a moron," he muttered. "Too small minded to understand, just like all the rest of them."

"Understand what?" she asked.

He looked at her. "When one is forced to suffer abuse and humiliation, one must have revenge for it. It is an anger unlike any other, and not something one can repress or keep locked away in one's soul. It must have blood. It must have vengeance. And humanity must learn, through that blood and vengeance, the punishment for picking on the weak and helpless, for they will not always be so."

Valentina smiled. "Well, you look pretty helpless to me now," she said.

He grunted in response, and suddenly hissed as she touched one of his broken ribs. "I have to set them," she muttered, reaching for some bandages. "Or they'll heal crooked."

"Does it matter?" he demanded.

"It does if you wanna breathe," she replied.

He grunted again, and then cried out as she gently manipulated the rib back into place. "You're gonna have a nice scar there," she murmured, grinning. "The ladies will love it."

Crane laughed dryly. "Yes, very amusing."

"What?" she asked.

He snorted. "Well, frankly speaking, Dr. Crow, this is probably as close to naked as any woman has ever seen me."

"Really?" she asked, grinning. "Don't I feel lucky? You're not bad looking with your shirt off, Johnny. Skinny, but not too skinny. Nice build," she said, feeling his shoulders. "Tense, though. But then you are in a lotta pain."

"Yes…I…I am," he murmured. His face had gone red again, and it was adorable the way it matched his hair, thought Valentina. He was so fun and easy to play with, because he clearly had no idea how to deal with a woman flirting with him. And it was cute.

"Yeah, those will be some nasty scars," she agreed, as she set his arm in a splint. "Are you hurt anywhere else?"

"I don't…um…think so," he stammered.

"You sure? Nowhere else you want the doctor to take a look?" she asked, grinning at him.

"Erm…no…"

"Ok, Johnny, I believe you," she murmured, sliding her finger around the rim of his belt. She grinned. "The swelling will go down in time," she said, picking up her bag.

"What…oh yes, my arm," he said, nodding.

"Wasn't talking about the arm, Johnny," she said, grinning. "See ya later."

Well, if he couldn't take the game, he shouldn't have started it, she thought. She may fear needles, but he was clearly terrified of women. And it was funny to watch the Scarecrow writhing in fear for once. Funny and, she had to admit it, really cute.


	4. Chapter 4

"I think Dr. Crow was flirting with me earlier," said Crane, in a puzzled voice, to the table at large.

The other inmates presently incarcerated, the Joker, Harley Quinn, Jervis Tetch, Two-Face, and Poison Ivy, all looked up at him. And the expression on all their faces was surprise. And, in the Joker's case, of course, mocking contempt.

He laughed. "Do you even know what flirting is?" he asked.

"Of course I do," snapped Crane. "And I do believe that's what she was doing. She…said things about me being…not bad looking. And she…touched me."

"Yeah, Mommy feels me up too," chuckled Joker. "She's a doctor. It's kinda her job."

"This was different," retorted Crane. "This was…deliberately voluptuous and…teasing. She was teasing me."

"Ain't that just like a dame?" growled Two-Face. "Even a professional woman can't keep her hands to herself."

"Oh yeah, Harvey, and professional men have never flirted with women who work for them," snapped Ivy.

"I don't think we need to look any further than this table to prove the point that women are a lot more unprofessional than men," retorted Two-Face, glancing pointedly at Harley.

"It was just as unprofessional of J to seduce his shrink…" began Ivy, but Joker held up his hand.

"Guys, guys, I think we can all agree that both men and women are willing to sacrifice professionalism for a roll in the hay. And personally I don't blame either sex for enjoying sex," he chuckled. "But I want to return to the original point – Johnny Crane thinks Dr. Crow was flirting with him. Now, let's all take a look at Johnny," he said, glancing at him. "And now let's all remember what Dr. Crow looks like," he said, smiling.

"Quite the knockout," said Two-Face, nodding.

"I do like her hair," said Ivy. "Nice, shoulder length and black. It always looks nice."

"Real nice pair of…" began Two-Face, and then noticed the look Ivy was giving him. "Eyes," he agreed. "I like her eyes. Dark, intense, y'know."

"Oh, c'mon, Harvey, she's got a body Pammie would be jealous of," said Joker.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley angrily.

"I mean Pammie's got the kinda body that drives most men wild," retorted Joker. "And so does Dr. Crow."

Harley glared at him, but he kissed her. "I ain't most men, Harley," he murmured, grinning.

She squeaked and kissed him happily. "But back to the original point, why on earth would a killer dame like that be interested in some old, skinny, little nerd?" asked Joker. "She wouldn't be. Nope, I'm sorry, I think you're crazy, Johnny," he said. "Good thing you're locked up in the looney bin already," he added, chuckling.

"If Jonathan thinks she was flirting with him, I'm sure she was," spoke up Tetch. "Men like us yearn for such things to the point of obsession. We can recognize them when we see them."

"Oh, I bet a dame's never flirted with you either, Tetchy," retorted Joker. "Not unless she was underage, of course!" he chuckled. "You're both just pathetic."

"I don't doubt that she was flirting with him," continued Tetch, ignoring Joker. "But I do want to know why she was. Is it just harmless flirting, which is apparently a common enough practice, or does she want something more from you?"

"Well, what more could she want?" asked Crane, astonished.

Tetch sighed. "Pamela, when you flirt with men, what is your eventual goal?" he asked, turning to Ivy.

She shrugged. "It depends. Sometimes I wanna use them to do things for me. Sometimes I just wanna have a little fun."

"Oh yeah, that's just her style," muttered Two-Face, flipping his coin irritably. "Play with guys. Have a little fun. That's all it is to her – fun."

"Dame after my own heart!" chuckled Joker, patting Ivy on the back.

"Don't touch me," she growled, sliding away from him.

Crane cleared his throat. "When you say fun, Pamela, do you mean that flirting is fun in itself, or that it is some sort of prelude to…to…um…"

Ivy looked at him blankly. "What?"

He was blushing again, and took a drink of water before he stammered. "Um…in…intercourse."

She shrugged again. "Could be either – could be both. That's the thing about women, Johnny, you can't read us. We're not like your books."

"Nope, you can't just put 'em down when you get bored with 'em!" chuckled Joker. "You can throw them across the room if you get annoyed with 'em, though, can't you, pumpkin pie?" he cooed, petting Harley.

She cuddled against him. "You wanna go get stuck in your favorite book, puddin'?" she whispered, kissing him.

"Only if I can break her spine first," he chuckled, standing up and picking her up.

Harley giggled. "Aw, Mr. J, you know just how to talk to a gal!" she sighed.

"Would that we all had such a skill," muttered Crane, dryly.

He returned to his cell later, and sat down on his bed, lost in thought. He picked up his book and read the inscription from Valentina again. She had been a very remarkable child. And she was an incredibly attractive woman. Far too attractive to be interested in a man like him, Joker was right. Attractive women liked attractive men, not brainy ones. That wasn't the way the world worked, sadly.

He sighed, lying down. "What are you going to do?" asked Tetch gently from the neighboring cell.

"About what?"

"Dr. Crow."

"I don't see that I have to do anything about her. If she continues to be…flirtatious, I will simply tell her that I have no interest in forming a romantic relationship with my doctor, and if she is doing it just for fun, to stop. It's not funny to torment people like us like that."

"No," agreed Tetch. "It's cruel, abominably cruel. And Dr. Crow is not a cruel woman. On the contrary, she is a sweet, generous, and compassionate one. So my theory is that she is not doing it to torment you."

"What is she doing it for, then?" asked Crane.

"I have not figured that out yet. Perhaps neither has she. I am no expert on the subject of women. But then neither is the Joker. It is not impossible that she is attracted to you, Jonathan."

"It is – it's utter nonsense," snapped Crane. "You of all people should know nonsense when you see it, Jervis."

"Why are you so unwilling to consider the possibility?"

"Because it would be…all wrong. Doctor and patient, you know that's wrong. And…she and I would be…wrong together. She's so beautiful, so kind, and I'm…well, an old, skinny, murdering psychopath."

"Well, so is the Joker," replied Tetch. "And yet a beautiful and kind woman loves him very deeply. It is not impossible, Jonathan. And it is not nonsense."

"She's intelligent as well," he said. "Too intelligent to be interested in someone like me. I don't…want to consider the possibility, Jervis, because I'm afraid of…getting my hopes up. What if she does keep flirting with me, and I do something utterly foolish like kiss her, and she looks at me in…in horror. In terror. In fear…"

He trailed off, shutting his eyes. "I don't want her to be afraid of me."

Tetch was silent. "My, my," he murmured at last. "You must feel something for her to want to spare her fear."

"I do," whispered Crane. "I do. I'm afraid I must be…falling in love with her."


	5. Chapter 5

"Your arm is healing nicely," said Valentina. "Now let's take a look at your ribs."

She unbuttoned Crane's shirt and pulled it off him, and slowly slid her hand down his chest, pressing into his flesh occasionally. "Does that hurt?" she asked.

"N…no," he stammered.

"What about now?" she asked, moving on to a different rib.

"No…no, it's fine," he stammered. "I'm fine," he said, pushing her hands away suddenly. "Perfectly fine, there's no need for you to continue…"

"Your face is all red," said Valentina. "You hot?"

"No…no, I'm just feeling slightly…unwell at the moment," he said.

"Unwell how?" she asked. "I'm a doctor, if you need me to take a look at anything…"

"Thank you, you've done quite enough," he interrupted, standing up. "You may go now."

"You don't dismiss me, Professor – I'll let you know when I'm done with you," she snapped. "Now sit down and let me finish my examination."

"I don't want you touching me anymore," he snapped.

"I'm a doctor – it's my goddamn job!" she shouted. "Now sit down, Crane, before I touch you with a punch to the skull!"

"Don't you dare threaten me, young lady…"

She slapped him hard across the face. "For the last time, I am not a young lady!" she shouted. "And don't you dare speak to me like my goddamn father! Not unless you want me to hate you the way I hate him!"

Crane rubbed his cheek. "I could have you fired for hitting me," he muttered.

"I wouldn't bet on it," she retorted. "They have a hard enough time finding doctors to work here as it is. And frankly I doubt that anybody would believe a psychotic maniac complaining that a girl slapped him. I know I wouldn't."

He sat down slowly, still rubbing his cheek and glaring at her. "You are absolutely unbelievable, you know that?" she hissed, pressing his ribs again. "I can deal with the Joker – he's no problem. You give him a lollipop and he's happy as a clam!"

"Well, some of us cannot be bribed with candy," snapped Crane. "We're neither trained monkeys nor children."

"You're certainly acting like a child," she retorted. "You keep mouthing off to me, Crane, and I'm gonna do something you really don't want me to do."

"Idle threats will get you nowhere, my dear," he retorted. "I know if you physically damage me, I can report you to the other doctors. And I know none of them are particularly friendly toward you because of what they see as your overly kind treatment of the inmates. I've heard them laugh at you and whisper about you behind your back, and you've heard it too, I know. I've seen the anger in your eyes. I've seen the tears…"

"I don't cry," snapped Valentina. "Not at anything they say anyway."

"No. Kids cry, and you're not a kid," he said, sarcastically.

She glared at him. "I'm warning you, Crane, don't push me. You think you know anything about me? You don't."

"I know your father locked you in a cell when you were thirteen," he retorted. "I know you've hated him for it ever since. I know you're afraid of needles, which is rather unfortunate when one is a doctor. I know that you were a remarkable child, and have become a remarkable woman. Remarkable is a neutral word – it neither connotes admiration nor detraction, so it is ideal. A remarkable woman. And I know you are by far the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, especially when your black eyes are blazing with fury."

The last sentence had slipped out completely against his will – he had been thinking it, but had never intended to say it. His face immediately flushed as she stared at him in astonishment. But he was the astonished one a second later when she suddenly seized his face in her hands and kissed him passionately.

"God dammit, Crane!" she gasped, drawing away. "Why didn't you just shut up like I told you to?!"

"I…" he stammered.

"No, don't say another word!" she shouted. "I don't wanna talk about it! I told you you were gonna make me do something I didn't wanna do, and now you have! I hope you're happy!"

"I…"

"The next time you don't shut up when I tell you, I'm going to break your face and blame Batman!" she shouted, storming from the cell and slamming the door behind her.

"I…" Crane kept stammering even after she'd gone. "I…I'm sorry…"

But he wasn't sorry, not at all. He had never had a kiss like that, raw and violent and utterly intoxicating. And from such an attractive woman…it was all wrong.

But nothing on earth had ever felt more right.


	6. Chapter 6

Valentina headed down the cell block again, the click of her heels echoing the hammering of her heart. She had been informed by the guards that Jonathan Crane was injured, and needed to be seen to. And she was dreading it.

She hadn't seen or spoken to him since she had kissed him – there hadn't been a reason to see him, but the kiss had been a big reason to avoid him. She didn't know why she had done it. She couldn't explain it to herself. But the way he had looked, shirt off, faced flushed, speaking to her in that voice that she had always thought comforting ever since she had first heard it at fifteen – it had just been irresistible. And he had called her beautiful. The most beautiful creature he had ever seen. And the way he blushed after he had said it was the cutest thing _she _had ever seen.

Yes, she was attracted to him, she admitted it. But she had no intention of becoming Dr. Harleen Quinzel, and sleeping with her patient. She liked Harley very much, but had no desire to turn out like her. And anyway, Crane could never be the Joker. Far too sweet a man. A very sweet man, really, intelligent, sincere…a little stiff maybe, a little tightly wound. He needed somebody to loosen him up. And she wanted to be the one to do it.

But the things you wanted weren't always smart things. Valentina had worked really hard to get where she was today, and anyway…_he _was always watching her. She glanced at the security cameras – even if she did want a relationship with Crane, it wouldn't be possible under her father's watchful gaze. Her father and his spies…the other doctors, Dr. Arkham in particular…

But was she really going to let her father control her life? Hadn't he done enough of that when she was a teenager? Shouldn't she rebel against him completely, do something really bad…

But no, she couldn't do that to Crane. Use him as a reason to get back at her father? She wasn't that heartless. He was a sweet guy. And if he really did share her attraction, she would have to put a stop to it now, before they both got hurt.

She opened the door to his cell. "Hello, Professor Crane," she said. "What seems to be the trouble?"

"I've…um…cut my hand on the…um…mattress," he said, holding it out to her. "There's a loose spring…might be rusted…"

She looked at him. "You want another tetanus shot?"

"If it's not too much trouble. I'll administer it myself, of course," he said.

She nodded and opened her bag, reaching for the syringe. She took his hand and then studied it. "Show me the spring," she said.

"It's rusted – you can take my word for it," he said.

"I don't believe you know what rust is, after you told me your scythe wasn't rusted," she retorted. "Just let me see it."

He sighed and lifted up the mattress, revealing a small spring, barely protruding. She looked at it, and then at him. "You cut yourself on purpose," she murmured.

He nodded. "Why?" she asked.

"I wanted to see you," he said. "To talk to you about…"

"It was just a kiss, Johnny," she interrupted. "Nothing to get excited about."

"When one has been kissed as rarely as I have, my dear, any kiss is most certainly something to get excited about," he retorted. "Especially one so…intense."

He gazed at her. "Why did you do it?" he asked.

She shrugged. "You looked cute. And you said something cute. And when things are cute, you wanna kiss them."

"I've…um…never been called cute before," he stammered.

"Well, you are, really cute," she retorted. "Especially when you're blushing like you are right now. Flushed up to the roots of your hair. It's adorable."

"Um…thank you," he stammered. "Forgive me, I don't…quite know how to respond to…um…that."

"Didn't know how to respond to that kiss either, did ya?" she asked, grinning.

"Can you blame me?" he retorted. "I wasn't expecting it, and it was completely overwhelming…"

She drew closer to him. "How would you respond if I gave you a second chance?" she murmured.

"Admirably," he retorted.

She grinned. "We'll see," she whispered.

She shoved her mouth onto his again, and he returned it with equal passion. She was shocked as his tongue invaded her mouth – the man knew what he was doing, and he was surprisingly good. Quite the natural.

She drew away and he smiled. "Well?" he murmured.

"Admirable," she whispered, returning to his mouth.

She pulled away suddenly. "Look, Johnny, we can't…um…I'm not comfortable with…I'm your doctor."

He nodded sadly. "Indeed you are."

"So we have to maintain a…um…professional relationship," she said.

He nodded again. "Yes, I understand."

She looked at him. "But you are so goddamn cute," she whispered.

They were kissing each other again before either of them fully realized what they were doing. "No…look, Johnny, I have to go…" she stammered, breaking away. "I really can't…um…get involved with a patient…"

"You will forgive me for contradicting you, my dear, but if your feelings towards me are anything like my feelings toward you, you are already involved with your patient," he murmured. "The only question remains as to whether or not you act upon those feelings."

She gazed at him. "I like you, Johnny," she murmured. "I really do."

"I…like you too, Valentina," he breathed.

"But there's an ethical line I won't cross even for you," she continued. "No matter how cute you look when you blush."

He nodded again sadly. "Well…thank you for your honesty."

He looked up at her and grinned shyly. "And for…the…um…kissing."

"Oh…Johnny," she whispered. "Just when I think I've hardened my heart, you give me that little boyish grin and it drives me wild. So stop it before I have to teach you a lesson."

"Well, I wouldn't want that," he said, although he didn't stop grinning.

She smiled at him. "So you want this shot or not?" she asked, holding up the needle.

He nodded, holding out his hand for the syringe. She handed it to him. "Close your eyes," he murmured.

"It's fine – I need to get over my fear…" she began.

He suddenly kissed her, gently and tenderly, and she shut her eyes involuntarily. He gave a little grunt and then drew away, handing the needle back to her. "There is something incredibly beautiful about submitting oneself to pain against the lips of a gorgeous woman," he breathed. "Something morbidly poetic."

She shut her eyes again. "I don't want this to get out of hand, Johnny," she whispered. "But I don't want to push you away."

"What do you suggest we do, then?" he asked.

She looked at him. "Can you…control yourself?"

He snorted. "My dear, I assure you, I am the model of restraint…"

"Because most guys can't control themselves," she interrupted. "You tell them you want a casual, platonic relationship and they always try to…get more. I don't want us to do anything serious…while we have this kind of a professonal relationship. But when we're alone together, when nobody can see…I don't mind kissing and cuddling, as long as you promise me you won't try…"

He picked up her hand and raised it to his lips. "I promise you, Valentina, your honor is safe with me."

She nodded, and grinned at him. "Then I hope you get a lot more injuries in the future, Professor Crane. I'll see you later."

She turned and strode from the cell without another word. Her mind was telling her this was a bad idea, but her heart was soaring out of the reach of its voice. She couldn't remember ever being this happy.


	7. Chapter 7

"Puddin'," breathed Harley Quinn, draping her arms around the Joker's neck and nuzzling his cheek. "Your Harley is in the mood for a real good revving."

"Why, Harley, that's not like you at all!" exclaimed Joker. "You're usually always so cold and disinterested!"

She seized his bowtie. "First I want you to drop the sarcasm, wise guy," she hissed. "Then I want you to drop your pants."

Joker chuckled as she dragged him by his bowtie towards the janitor's closet. "Good one, pooh," he laughed. He opened the door and was shocked to see Jonathan Crane and Valentina Crow locked in a passionate embrace.

"Oh…'scuse me," stammered Joker. He shut the door, stared at it for a moment, and then opened it again.

"Sorry to interrupt, just wanted to make sure I'm not losing my mind. You are making out with Professor Lame, ain't ya?"

"No…no, I'm…that's not what we're doing," stammered Valentina, shoving Crane away. "I was…um…giving him mouth-to-mouth ressucitation."

"In the janitor's closet?" asked Joker. "What was Johnny doing in here?"

"Looking for the…um…mop," invented Crane. "There's a leak in my cell…"

"And you just happened to stumble upon him in here?" asked Joker. "That's pretty convenient, Doc, I gotta say."

"Yes…lucky I was here, weren't you, Crane?" said Valentina. "Now be more careful in the future."

"Yes…yes, of course I will…Val…Dr. Crow," he gasped.

"Good. See you later, Professor Crane. Joker, Harley," she said, nodding at them and striding off.

"Yeah…bye Val!" called Harley, waving. She smiled at Crane. "Gee, Johnny, you really were lucky Val was around, huh? Otherwise Mr. J and me would probably have stumbled upon your dead body the next time we wanted a little playtime."

"Harley, even you're not dumb enough to buy that story," snapped Joker. "I know it's hard to believe, but the Doc clearly has the hots for Johnny Crane. Must be outta her mind."

"Look, you can't tell anyone about this," hissed Crane. "It's very important that nobody knows. Not for my sake, but for hers."

"Yeah, people don't take kindly to doctors making ha ha with their patients," said Joker, smiling.

"Bunch of morons," muttered Harley. "They just don't understand love."

"We're not doing anything…immoral, I assure you," he said. "It's nothing like that…it's perfectly innocent…but people would misunderstand if they knew. So you can't tell anyone. Promise me, Joker."

"Hey, relax, Johnny!" said Joker, grinning. "I'm a discreet guy! Don't you worry – your secret's safe with me."

"Johnny, heard you're screwing Dr. Crow!" said Two-Face loudly as Crane entered the Rec Room later that day. "It's a joke, right?"

Crane glared at Joker, who just smiled back and shrugged. "It was too good a joke not to share, Johnny, sorry!"

"It _is _a joke," snapped Crane. "What could a woman like that possibly see in someone like me? Joker's obviously made it up as some sort of ridiculous gag, and you fell for it, Harvey."

"It's true!" insisted Harley. "Me and Mr. J found Johnny and Val in our janitor's closet! That's our spot, Johnny, so why don't you and Val find your own?!"

"And of course Harley would go along with his joke," continued Crane. "But it's nonsense, utter nonsense, I promise you."

Two-Face nodded slowly. "Yeah, it's kinda too unbelievable to be true. Thought you'd be able to invent a better joke than that, J."

"You calling me a liar, Harv?" demanded Joker.

"Oh please, J, if you ever wanna change your name, the Liar would be just as appropriate for you as the Joker," said Poison Ivy.

"Oh, I admit I'll lie for a gag, Pammie," retorted Joker. "But this ain't a gag."

"No? It's a pretty funny idea to me," said Ivy. "Mother Arkham and the Professor – I mean, she's not crazy."

"You know, love don't have to make sense!" snapped Harley. "If it ain't madness, it ain't love! I don't see any reason why Val couldn't be crazy for Johnny!"

"Well, you wouldn't, would you, Harley?" asked Ivy, dryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley.

"I'm just saying your taste in men is a little…unorthodox," said Ivy.

"You comparing me to Professor Lame, Pammie?" snapped Joker. "We ain't nothing alike!"

"Let's just drop it, all right?" asked Crane. "It wasn't a very good joke to begin with, and it's really got old now. No beautiful and intelligent woman would ever want anything to do with me!"

"Ya got that right," agreed Two-Face, returning to watching TV.

Jervis Tetch said nothing as Crane picked up a book and took a seat next to him. "It is true, isn't it?" he asked quietly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm not permitted to speak about it to anyone," murmured Crane. "It's nothing personal, Jervis, you know that. It's just…the walls have ears. And she can't…have people finding out about this."

He looked up at him. "Anyway, it's not what you think. We've not…cosummated our relationship or anything. We just…"

He broke off sighing. "I like her. And she…likes me."

"But your relationship is no more than meaningless romantic gestures which you're forced to keep hidden," finished Tetch. "I daresay it's not ideal."

"No…no, of course it isn't," he muttered. "But we don't have any choice at the moment…"

"My dear Jonathan, of course you have a choice," said Tetch. "Stop being her patient."

He stared at him. "You mean get another doctor?"

"I mean get out of here," retorted Tetch. "By any methods necessary."

"Even if I did escape, Jervis, and we were able to…be together, there's always a chance I would get caught and locked up again, and we'd have to resume this furtive…"

"Unless they would have no reason to lock you up," interrupted Tetch.

He looked at him. "You mean…cure myself?"

Tetch shrugged. "I've been declared sane a few times. It's not so difficult, you know. Pretend what it's like to be inside their heads, and just give them the answers they want."

"But to keep it up once you're out…to stop plotting crimes…to stop being the Scarecrow…I can't do that, Jervis."

He shrugged again. "Then I congratulate you on your relationship, such as it is. And I only hope the poor woman is as apathetic about it as you seem to be."

He stood up. "If I ever had a chance of winning Alice's affection, I would do whatever would make me worthy of her. Even if it meant changing myself…I would be whatever she wanted me to be. She would be worth it, to me. But then perhaps I am mad, after all."

And he left Crane alone with his book.


	8. Chapter 8

"You wanted to see me, Dr. Leland?" asked Valentina as she entered her office.

"Yes. Please sit down, Valentina," said Dr. Leland, smiling. "I just wanted to ask your opinion on a case. I know you have a knack for mental analysis, especially with these patients. It's a shame that you're not permitted to practice psychiatry anymore after that unfortunate issue with…"

"Yes," Valentina interrupted suddenly. "Yes, there's no need to bring up all that again."

"I just want you to know that despite that, I still respect your opinion and your insight," said Dr. Leland sincerely. "And there's a case that's puzzling me at the moment, and I'd welcome your advice."

Valentina nodded. "Shoot."

Dr. Leland leaned back. "How well do you know Jonathan Crane?" she asked.

Valentina tried to keep calm. Dr. Leland couldn't know anything about the two of them – they had been very discreet. "Um…as well as I know the rest of the supercriminals," she said, shrugging. "He likes to be known as the Scarecrow and uses fear toxin to terrify his victims…"

"Yes, I know all that," interrupted Dr. Leland. "I just thought maybe you could give me a little more insight into his personality. He's been acting strangely lately and that troubles me."

"Strangely…how?" asked Valentina, slowly. If Johnny had given her any indication about the two of them, she was going to rip off his arms and shove them down his skinny throat...

"He's been acting…sane," finished Dr. Leland. "To all appearances he's trying to cure himself. I was just wondering if you had any clue as to why. He's never shown any desire to rehabilitate himself before, nor any indication that such a thing may be possible."

Valentina stared at her. "He's trying to…what?" she stammered.

"Cure himself. Are you all right?"

"Oh…yeah. It's just a little shocking, y'know," said Valentina, shaking her head. It was almost impossible to keep herself from smiling…Johnny was trying to cure himself. It could only be for her. He knew she hated having to sneak around, and trying to be together when at any moment someone could discover them, someone like her father. And so he was curing himself…for her. It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for her. She struggled to control her desire to rush from the office, run straight to his cell, and smother him with kisses.

She cleared her throat. "I don't know why he's doing it, Dr. Leland," she said. "Maybe it's some scheme of his? Or maybe he just wants to be sane again. It's been a long time…maybe he's just finally decided that he's had enough of being a madman."

"Maybe," agreed Dr. Leland. "But it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me."

Valentina shrugged. "He's crazy, Joan," she said. "Not everything he does makes sense."

"You're right there," she agreed. "Well, thanks for your time, Valentina. I'll see you later."

Valentina left the office and returned to her own. She couldn't wipe the smile from her face. She had to see him. But she couldn't see him now, in broad daylight – she wouldn't be able to keep her mouth off him. She needed to wait, wait until everyone had gone home and the security was lax. Wait until they couldn't be seen.

That night, she slipped out of her office and down to the cell block. She had keys to every cell in case she needed to get inside in a hurry, if a patient was having a fit or a suicide attempt or something. She stayed out of the sight of the cameras, keeping to the shadows, until she reached Crane's cell.

"Heard you're trying to cure yourself," she said gently. "Why is that?"

He looked up from his book in surprise. "Valentina, what are you doing here this late?"

"I had to see you," she murmured, slipping inside the cell. "Dr. Leland told me you were trying to rehabilitate yourself, and I had to know if it's true. Are you?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes."

She gazed at him. "Why?" she asked.

He gazed back. "Do you need to ask me that?" he whispered.

She felt tears come to her eyes. "You're doing this for me?" she murmured.

"Of course I am," he murmured. "I know how much you hate this, sneaking around, kissing in shadows, always the risk of being found out and ruined…I would have to be a terribly heartless lover if I kept subjecting you to such torment without trying to make it better."

She shut her eyes and let her tears fall. "Is that what you are?" she grinned. "My lover?"

"Don't you like the word?" he asked.

"Oh yeah," she agreed, smiling. "I like it a lot. But it usually implies something else, y'know, being my lover."

"Er…yes…but we can't do anything like that until…"

She raised a hand to his lips. "Johnny, you think you can do something insanely sweet like trying to cure yourself for me and get away with me not wanting to screw you senseless?"

"Well…I…daresay my wants are similar in nature…but I understood that we couldn't…that you wouldn't find it very professional…that you…um…"

She kissed him to shut him up. "I know what I said," she murmured. "But this is the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me. It's only fair that I do something really wonderful for you in return."

He smiled. "Valentina," he breathed, cupping her face in his hands. He kissed her tenderly, and she returned it, drawing his mouth deeper into hers, increasing the passion as she embraced him tightly. Her hands traveled his body, resting at last on his belt, which her fingers worked quickly to undo as she continued to kiss him. He grabbed her hand suddenly.

"I…um…have to tell you something if we…before we…um…" he stammered.

"Say it," she whispered, caressing his lips gently with her own.

"Before we…um…make love," he whispered, his hands passing swiftly over her body.

She seized them and planted them firmly on her breasts. "It's ok, you can feel," she murmured. "Enjoy it. Take your time."

"I…um…" he stammered, gently beginning to feel her. She let out a little moan of pleasure and he continued. His throat was dry. "I…um…I've never…um…" he gasped.

"Tell me, Johnny," she whispered, pressing him tightly against her. "Tell me."

"I've never…made love before," he whispered in her ear.

She smiled. "I know, Johnny," she murmured. "And it's ok. I wanna be your first. It's so flattering, and so special, and I'm so glad that no other woman has ever seen what I'm gonna see, or feel what I'm gonna feel, or have what I'm gonna have," she whispered, sliding her hands down to his belt again.

"I just…don't want you to be disappointed if…my performance isn't particularly…skilled," he stammered.

"Oh Johnny, I don't want skilled," she whispered. "I just want you."

"But Valentina…" he began, but she put a hand to his lips.

"Stop thinking," she whispered. "And just feel. We're going to take it slow, and enjoy it, and make sure your first time is a good time for you. Just trust me, Johnny. You do…want me, don't you?" she whispered, gazing at him.

"Want you?" he repeated, his voice faltering. "Oh, Valentina, you can have no idea how much I want you…how deeply, how badly I want you…"

She rested her hand on his belt again and grinned. "I'm getting an inkling," she murmured.

He seized her face in his hands, kissing her desperately. "Johnny?" she breathed.

"Yes, my angel?" he whispered.

She grinned. "Let's make love," she murmured, drawing her down to him.


	9. Chapter 9

She lay in his arms afterward. He was still panting, his eyes wide as he tried to recover himself. "Oh…God!" he gasped.

She grinned. "Did you enjoy it, Johnny?" she whispered, licking his ear.

"It was…the most amazing…experience of my life," he stammered. "I've…I've never been lost for words before…I…"

She took his face in her hands and teased his tongue with her own. "We can go again, if you wanna."

"I don't think it would be possible to repeat…such an incredible experience," he murmured.

"Try me," she whispered, grinning.

They didn't speak again for another hour, when she lay in his arms again, smiling at him. "I stand corrected," he murmured, beaming at her. She giggled and kissed him tenderly.

"I can certainly understand why people speak so highly of this," he continued. "You never fully appreciate it before, when you read about people starting wars for love, and women whose faces launch a thousand ships, and you think, what could possibly be worth all that? But now…I think I finally understand."

"You'd start a war for me?" she asked, smiling.

"Would you like that very much, Valentina?" he murmured.

"Maybe," she replied.

He cupped her face gently in his hands. "Valentina of Troy," he whispered. "I would send ten thousand men to their doom for you."

"Christ, baby, if that's what you would do for my face, what would you do for the other parts of my body?" she asked, grinning.

He smiled. "Well, let's see," he murmured. "Shall I enumerate each one?"

"Be my guest, Johnny," she replied, snuggling against him.

"Very well," he said, lifting her hand and kissing it. "For your fingers I would terrorize a small town. For your wrist, an entire city. For your arm, I would unleash fear gas on an entire state. For your shoulder, the country. For your gorgeous throat, I would cripple the whole world in terror," he whispered, kissing each of the places he mentioned.

"And those aren't even my best features," she replied, grinning. "What would you do for these, Professor?" she murmured, pulling the blankets off her chest.

"What wouldn't I do for those?" he whispered. "I would destroy everyone and everything on earth for those," he murmured, bringing his mouth down to kiss them. "For your belly, I would eradicate the planet," he murmured, sliding his mouth down lower.

"Mmm, keep going, Professor," she whispered, shutting her eyes in pleasure.

"There's nothing else for me to destroy," he murmured. "Except myself. Which I would, for your incredible…"

"Oh, Johnny!" she cried, arching her back. "Oh, Johnny, right there! Oh God, you're amazing!"

"Satisfied, my dear?" he murmured, embracing her again and kissing the top of her head. "Have I proved my love to you?"

"Oh Johnny," she breathed, gazing at him adoringly. "For a guy who's never done it before, you certainly know how to give a girl a good time."

"Well, it is astounding the kind of thing you can pick up from books these days," he replied, grinning.

"Mmm, and what you lack in skill, you make up for in enthusiasm," she murmured, kissing him. "And I'm sure we can give you a lotta practice to make up for all the time you've lost."

"You'll spoil me, my dear," he murmured, smiling. "And at this rate, you'll never get me out of bed."

"Who says I wanna?" she whispered, kissing him and pulling him close. "Who says I don't want the Scarecrow to keep stuffing me?"

"Oh, my dear, that's a very naughty expression," he murmured, kissing her deeply. "How does a nice girl like you know a dirty term like that?"

"Because I'm a pretty bad girl really, Professor," she whispered, grinning at him. "I'm a real naughty student to teach my professor such bad things, aren't I?"

"Oh, on the contrary, my dear," he whispered, climbing on top of her again. "I'm giving you full marks."

"Oh Johnny, yes!" she cried, pulling him down to her. "Oh yes, yes, yes!"

"Valentina," he breathed later, lying on top of her and gazing into her eyes. "I…love you."

She shut her eyes, beaming. "Say it again," she whispered.

"I love you," he repeated, brushing her hair back from her face. "I love you, Valentina."

"Oh, Johnny," she whispered, opening her eyes. They were shining with tears, and he gently kissed them away. "I love you too."

He kissed her tenderly. "I'm…glad this happened," he murmured.

"Me too," she agreed.

"You don't regret it?" he asked gently.

She laughed. "You think I could regret that, baby?" she whispered. "You were incredible."

"Thank you," he said, blushing. "And now that we've…um…done this, I have something to ask you."

"Anything, Johnny," she whispered.

"Will you allow me to make an honorable woman out of you?" he murmured.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

He was blushing scarlet. "It means…will you do me the honor of…becoming my wife?"

She stared at him. "You wanna marry me?" she gasped. "Why?"

"Well, it seems only fair, my dear, having taken your virginity that I should make amends…" he began, but she laughed suddenly.

"Something amusing, my love?" he asked, frowning.

"Um…you didn't take my virginity, Johnny," she said, grinning.

He stared at her. "I…didn't?"

"I didn't seem a little…experienced to you for a virgin?" she asked.

"I don't know, not having had any experience myself," he snapped, flushing. "So I'm not your…first man?"

She shook her head. "Well…how many have there been?" he asked.

"You jealous, Johnny?" she asked.

"Of course I am!" he snapped. "I'm incredibly jealous to know that I'm not the first man who's…been with you…like this! How would you feel if you thought I had had other women?!" He sat up angrily. "How many have there been?" he demanded.

"None of your business, Professor," she retorted. "I'm with you now, and that's all that matters. So don't talk to me like that again, or I'll make you regret it."

He glared at her. "I think I have the right to know if the woman I love has been a whore…"

She grabbed his arm and bent it back so that he cried out in pain. "Don't ever call me that again!" she hissed. "Or I'll break your goddamn arm, you hear me, you skinny freak?!"

"At least I'm not a dirty slut…" he began, but howled in pain as she bent his arm further.

"And at least I'm not so pathetic that I had to stay a virgin until I was fifty!" she shouted.

"I'm not fifty!" he cried.

"But you are pathetic," she growled. She released his arm. "Cute though," she muttered.

He rubbed his arm. "And you may be…an experienced woman…but that doesn't mean I don't love you madly," he muttered.

She smiled. "Bet you don't wanna marry me now, knowing that I've slept with other guys."

He shrugged. "Like you said, my dear, you're mine now," he murmured, kissing her and stroking her hair back. "The first man you had…the one who did take your virginity…" he began. "Did he…offer to marry you?"

"No," she retorted. "And thank God he didn't. He was crap in bed. You're much better, Johnny, despite the fact that you've never done it before," she whispered, kissing him and smiling.

He smiled back. "Then he was a fool," he murmured. "How could any man have a taste of you like this and not want you for the rest of their lives?"

Valentina saw the sincerity in his eyes and grinned. "God dammit, baby, you already know how to make me want you, don't you?" she whispered, climbing on top of him again.

"I'm a fast learner," he whispered, smiling and pulling her down to him.


	10. Chapter 10

Crane sat down at the table across from Tetch at breakfast the next day, beaming from ear to ear. "You're in a very chipper mood this morning," commented Tetch. "Everything all right?"

"Oh yes, Jervis, everything is absolutely fantastic," sighed Crane. "The world is such a wonderful place, really. Everything in it is just…wonderful."

Tetch stared at him. "You'll permit me to disagree with you, of course, but I can find very little to be cheerful about at the moment. We're locked in a facility for the mentally ill, with no possibility of escape in the near future, and it's grits for breakfast. I loathe grits."

"Oh, what does any of that matter?" sighed Crane. "In the great scheme of things, life is just beautiful. Just wonderful. The world is a magical place, Jervis, it really is."

Tetch looked at him in astonishment, and then the realization hit him. "Ah. You and Miss Crow have consummated your relationship, is that it?"

"Well, I'm certainly not the kind of man who reveals private information like that," retorted Crane.

"Very admirable of you, I'm sure…" began Tetch, reaching for his tea, but Crane suddenly continued hastily, beaming, "But yes, we did, and it was incredible! Absolutely astounding, you simply can't imagine…"

"No, I can't," interrupted Tetch. "So perhaps dropping it would be best."

"It was simply the most amazing experience of my life!" he continued, ignoring him. "There's no way to describe the feeling, the perfect feeling, it's unlike anything on earth! You can't even conceive of it until it happens and then it's like…heaven! Sensations and feelings beyond pleasure…"

"Yes, so I've heard," interrupted Tetch, annoyed.

"It's the most mind-blowing thing – there are no words that even come close to describing it. They can't do justice to it – it's simply the most wonderful thing in the world!"

"Yes, I'm sure it is," snapped Tetch. "Now if you would quit going on about it…"

"It's like my whole life suddenly has meaning again!" cried Crane. "Like there's finally beauty and sunshine in it! Oh, Jervis, you can have no idea…"

"No, I can't!" snapped Tetch, standing up. "And it's not likely I ever will, so why don't you just shut up about it, Jonathan?!"

He stormed from the table. Crane stared after him and shrugged. "Some people just can't be happy for you," he sighed. He whistled happily as he ate his breakfast. "All that exercise does give you quite an appetite," he murmured, smiling to himself.

"What exercise?" asked the Joker, as he and Harley suddenly appeared next to him and sat down.

"Oh…um…I went to the track to do some running this morning before breakfast," invented Crane, quickly.

"Really? Didn't see you there," said Harley. "What time was this?"

"Obviously…not the same time you were there," said Crane slowly. "Now if you don't mind, I'd prefer to eat on my own…"

"Aw, c'mon, Johnny, everything's more fun when there are other people involved," murmured Joker, grinning at him. "Ain't that right?"

"I…don't know what you mean…"

"Oh, I think you do. Because it may have been awfully early when Mommy slipped outta your cell, but I was awake to see it." He grinned. "So go ahead, try calling me a liar now."

Crane stared at him. "You…you can't tell anyone," he stammered.

"Now who would I tell, Johnny?" chuckled Joker. "Who would be most fun to tell? Dr. Leland? Nah, she'd probably just quietly fire her. Dr. Arkham? A far more enticing possibility. Oooh, I know, Dr. Crow Senior! Wait until Daddy hears about what Mommy's been up to!"

"If you tell him, I'll kill you…"

"Don't threaten me, Johnny, it ain't very effective," snapped Joker. "And it just makes me angry. Anyway, if I tell now, that's my fun over and done with. They'll be a dramatic scene, probably, and then back to boring old normality. It'll be so much more fun to watch you squirm, waiting for me to tell, if I ever do. Yep, I think I prefer that idea," he chuckled.

"You are a horrible, evil man," hissed Crane.

"Funny, though," said Joker, smiling. He clapped Crane on the back. "So, what was it like to finally do the dirty? Did you cry the whole time, all thirty seconds of it? Bet you did. Bet you fell down on your knees afterward and thanked her for letting you do someone at long last. Bet the whole thing was really awkward for everyone involved."

"Was it your first time, Johnny?" asked Harley, beaming at him. "Aw, ain't that terrific? It's such a romantic idea that you saved yourself for her. I saved myself for Mr. J," she breathed, gazing dreamily at him. "Just like he did for me."

"What the hell are you talking about, Harley?" demanded Joker. "You weren't my first dame!"

"I…wasn't?" said Harley, genuinely shocked. Then she grew angry. "You never told me that! How many others were there?!"

"I dunno, I don't remember anything about my past!" he snapped.

"So how do you know I wasn't your first dame?" she demanded.

"Well, I seemed to know what I was doing, didn't I?" he retorted. "It was definitely something I'd done before - the process was familiar…"

"The process?!" shrieked Harley. "What is sex with me, a goddamn math problem?!"

"Yeah, with a couple plus points and a whole lotta negatives!" chuckled Joker. Harley punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground, and began beating him mercilessly.

"Take it back, take it back!" she shrieked, as the guards rushed to separate them.

Crane sighed. Nothing could ruin the magic of the previous evening faster than knowing that the Joker knew. But there was nothing he could do about it right now other than continue with his rehabilitation, and try to get himself out of here before the Joker grew bored with the game and decided to tell someone. Not that they'd believe him anyway. But if Valentina were under suspicion, he knew she'd never be able to visit him again, and the thought of that was unbearable. No, he had to get out of here. And soon.


	11. Chapter 11

"And how did this one happen, Harley?" asked Valentina patiently, as she gently peered into Harley's black eye with a flashlight later that night.

"This one was Mr. J," muttered Harley, darkly. "We got into a fight because the bastard lied to me. Well, that's not true, he didn't lie to me. He just didn't…tell me the whole truth."

"About what?" asked Valentina.

"About him having other dames," retorted Harley. "I mean, I kinda knew he did, but we never talked about it, y'know? And he never said it explicitly. Heck, he could have been married before he became the Joker, for all I know. He could have a wife somewhere…"

Her eyes filled with tears, but then she shook her head. "But that's over and done with. He's mine now. What happened in the past is in the past. That's why he hit me – he hates it when I bring the past up because he don't remember it. And it don't matter. Bet that's how you feel about Johnny, huh?" she asked, instantly brightening. "Congratulations on you two getting together. It's nice he finally has a dame he can be in a real relationship with."

Valentina was stunned, both by the fact that Harley seemed to know about her and Crane, (although she had found them in the closet together) and by what she had said. "What do you mean…a real relationship?" she asked.

"Oh…well, Mr. J saw you leaving his cell earlier today," said Harley. "You were…um…having sex, weren't you? Not like Natalie."

Valentina dropped the flashlight suddenly, and it shattered on the floor. "Who's Natalie?" she gasped.

Harley looked embarrassed. "Aw, geez, you mean he didn't tell you either? Christ, why are men so bad about talking about past relationships?" she sighed.

"He told me he never had any other women," growled Valentina.

"Well, he didn't, not really. He and Natalie never…um…slept together. Well, they did sleep together, but they didn't have sex…she didn't wanna cross the ethical line…"

"Who the hell is Natalie?!" Valentina demanded, suddenly furious.

"She was his shrink. She was in love with him, and she tried to cure him. He wanted to cure himself for her too, but she…died. In a car crash."

"He wanted to…what?" snapped Valentina. "You mean he's tried to cure himself for women before?! That lying bastard!" she shrieked, seizing her bag and throwing it across the room. "I had sex with him for that! But it was just a trick to get me into bed, wasn't it?!"

"I…uh…don't know," stammered Harley, shocked at her violence. "But I liked Natalie…she was really sweet and sincere. Not like Tina…"

"There was more than one?!" shouted Valentina. "Oh, I'm gonna kill him!"

"But…but Val, wait! It's not what you think!" called Harley as Valentina stormed from her cell and down the corridor. She threw open the door to Crane's cell, and he smiled at her.

"My love, I can't tell you how much I've missed you…" he began, but she suddenly kicked him in the crotch.

"That's for lying just to get me into bed, you filthy bastard!" she shrieked. "It's over, you hear me?!"

"What?" gasped Crane. "I didn't lie…"

"You told me you never had any other women!" she hissed.

"I haven't!" he insisted.

"Then who's Tina?!" she demanded.

"She was…a woman who tried to get close to me in order to steal my work," stammered Crane. "But nothing happened…and I never cared about her the way I care for you, my love…"

"What about Natalie?!" shrieked Valentina. "Did you care about her?! You must have if you tried to cure yourself for her!"

Crane stared at her. "Well…yes, at the time…but it was long ago, my dear…and nothing happened…Valentina, where are you going?" he asked as she turned and stormed from his cell.

"Valentina, wait!" he called, rushing out of the cell after her. "Nothing happened, nothing ever happened! I don't know why you're jealous about this!"

"Then I guess you're not as smart as you think you are, Professor!" she shouted, leaving the cell block and slamming the door shut after her.

"Don't go after her, Johnny – you'll only get caught, you'll get her in trouble, and it won't do any good when she's in that state," said a familiar voice. Crane turned to see that Two-Face, the Joker, and Scarface were all gathered in Two-Face's cell, sitting around a table holding cards, poker chips, and glasses.

"What's all this?" asked Crane, entering the cell.

"Friday night is poker night at the men's club," said Two-Face, refilling his glass from a bottle of 22-year-old scotch.

"I've never heard about any men's club," said Crane.

"Cause you ain't a man," growled Two-Face.

Crane said nothing. "But Scarface is here," he pointed out.

"I'm more of a man than you, ya four-eyed jerk!" exclaimed Scarface.

"Now, now, boys, let's not be unkind to Johnny," chuckled Joker. "After all, he has left the virgin club. Hatty must be the only member here now. Oh, and Eddie Nygma, of course. I got a riddle for him: what have I, Harvey, and Johnny all been inside, but he hasn't? A woman!" he laughed.

"This mook here ain't had a dame neither," growled Scarface, gesturing at the Ventriloquist. "I dunno why I keep him around sometimes. What a dummy."

Crane looked at Scarface. "He hasn't…but you have? How is that…"

"Best not to ask," interrupted Two-Face, knocking back his drink.

Joker began shuffling the cards. "So why'd the dame sling ya?" asked Scarface, turning to Crane.

"What? Oh…well, it's the strangest thing, really. She came to me in a fury, saying I'd lied to her, which I never did, but she'd somehow found out about Tina and Natalie, and I confirmed that they had been interested in me, because I thought she deserved to know the truth."

Joker laughed hysterically. "First mistake," he chuckled.

"And even though I explained to her that nothing had happened with either of them, she grew angry and stormed off. I don't understand what I did wrong. Are women always so irrational?"

Joker laughed again. Two-Face just looked at him, and then kicked out a chair. "Sit down," he growled.

"You got a lot to learn about women," he said as Crane obeyed him. "You think just because you got a girlfriend now you understand them? You don't. I've had a lot more girlfriends than you, and I still don't. They're as random and unpredictable as a coin toss," he muttered, flipping his coin.

"And as crazy as a cuckoo on cocaine," chuckled Joker.

"You won't ever be able to understand the way their minds work, because their minds don't work most of the time," continued Two-Face. "They got brains, apparently, but they never use 'em. It's all emotions and hormones and God knows what. Lady things. You only got two options."

He flipped the coin again. "Heads, you dump 'em. Tails, you keep 'em, and just try to ignore 'em when they get crazy. Go to a bar or something."

"Speaking of bars, thought I ordered a glass of lemonade over here," muttered Scarface. Two-Face passed him the bottle of scotch. "Thanks, Twoey, you're all right," he said. "Don't you sneak any now, dummy."

"I won't, Mr. Scarface, sir, I promise," murmured the Ventriloquist.

"Ya better not, 'cause I'm watching ya, see?" demanded Scarface. "Got eyes in the back of my head, and I ain't kidding."

The Ventriloquist poured him a glass. "You want some hooch, Craney?" asked Scarface.

"Um…yes, I suppose so," stammered Crane. Two-Face shoved a glass at him and the Ventriloquist poured scotch into it. "Thank you."

Crane took a sip and immediately started coughing. "Sorry…sorry, I'm just not used to…um…alcohol…Jervis and I prefer to drink tea…"

"What a sissy!" laughed Scarface. "What a mook! What a maroon! Christ, Craney, even I can handle the hooch, and I ain't got no stomach!" he laughed. "Bet ya don't smoke neither!" he chuckled, as the Ventriloquist lit him a tiny cigar.

"Erm…no…how do you…" began Crane.

"Best not to ask," repeated Two-Face again, lighting the Joker's cigar and then his own. "If you want one, I'd try mine and not J's."

"Mine have got quite the kick," chuckled Joker, puffing on his cigar.

"Um…thanks," said Crane, taking the cigar that Two-Face lit for him. He started coughing again, violently. "Good Lord, that's dreadful! I preferred the scotch!"

"The mook don't smoke, don't drink, ain't had a dame before, you play cards, sissy?" demanded Scarface.

"Erm…no…"

"What kinda crap life have you had?" snapped Scarface. "Jesus Christ, I'm wooden and I think I've had more fun than you!"

"Just deal him in, J, I'm sure he can figure it out," said Two-Face, puffing on his cigar. "You gonna finish that scotch?"

"Um…yes…yes, I'll try," said Crane. "But can't any of you explain what I've done wrong with Valentina?"

"Your first mistake was telling her the truth," chuckled Joker as he dealt the cards. "There are certain lies you always tell a woman. First of all, she never looks fat in that dress. Secondly, you've only ever had eyes for her. And thirdly, you love her."

"I do love her," insisted Crane.

"Yeah, see, I believed ya there," said Joker, nodding. "That's good, Johnny, you got your sincere face down."

"I am being sincere," snapped Crane. "I do love her. She's an utterly incredible woman…"

"Oh yeah, I imagine she would be in the sack," agreed Two-Face. "Not that I've thought about it when she's feeling me up or anything."

"Think we've all thought about it while she's feeling us up," giggled Joker.

Crane glared at them. "I'd prefer it if you didn't think that way about my girlfriend in future," he snapped.

"Yeah? What're you gonna do about it, Crane?" demanded Two-Face, smiling.

"I will fight you for her honor," he said.

"Yeah, Johnny, why doncha duel Harvey?" chuckled Joker. "Pistols at dawn and all the rest!"

"You can't be paranoid about her and other guys," growled Two-Face. "She ain't gonna like that. She'll think it's smothering, and that you don't trust her."

"But surely it means what I intend it to mean, that I don't want her disrespected by other men because I value her so much?" asked Crane.

"Your second mistake is assuming that how you mean things is how she's going to interpret them," said Joker. "It's usually the opposite."

"I think dames have got their brains back to front," agreed Scarface. "Topsy turvey or something."

"But Valentina is special," insisted Crane. "She's not like other women…"

"No dame is special," growled Two-Face. "That's your third mistake. They're all alike, bunch of crazy, vicious, selfish little ingrates who'll take what they want from you and then drop you like a stone."

"Like a body with concrete shoes," agreed Scarface.

"Oh, I dunno, boys, I can't seem to shake mine," chuckled Joker.

"Now Harley _is_ special," conceded Two-Face. "She's touched in the head."

"Well, Valentina is special too," retorted Crane. "Just not in…that way. And I do love her, and I'll prove that love to you, to her, and to the world, just you wait and see."

He stood up, putting down the cards. "Thank you for your advice, however, and the drink."

"You gonna finish it?" repeated Two-Face, glancing at the glass which was still mostly full.

"Um…yes," stammered Crane. He shut his eyes and knocked it back. "Good evening, gentlemen," he said, leaving the room as they all stared after him, surprised. It was a gesture he was going to regret the next morning.


	12. Chapter 12

"You've got a hangover, Johnny," snapped Valentina. "It's nothing serious, and you certainly didn't need to call me for it."

"But…but it can't be a hangover!" he stammered. "It's…hellish!"

"You've never had a hangover before?" she asked. "They can be pretty bad."

"But…there's so much pain…everywhere!" he cried, burying his head in his hands. "And even after you vomit, you don't feel any better!"

He suddenly raced over to the toilet to do just that. Valentina watched him with her arms folded across her chest. "You are utterly pathetic, Johnny, you know that?" she sighed.

She waited for him to finish, and then helped him lie down on the bed. "Cute, though," she added, smiling as she stroked his hair back. "What were you drinking anyway?"

"I had…a glass of scotch," he muttered. "Vile stuff."

"One glass?" she asked, increduously.

"I don't often consume alcohol!" he snapped. "And Two-Face made me drink it."

"Aw, did the big boys pick on my widdle Johnny?" cooed Valentina, kissing his forehead.

"Don't mock me, woman," he muttered. "Anyway, I thought we were through."

Valentina grinned. "The guys told you all about women, and they didn't tell you that we say a lotta stuff we don't mean when we're angry?" she murmured. "I think that would've been my first piece of advice."

"Well, as I told them, you're not like other women," he muttered. "You're special. More special than any woman I've ever known. And I've never felt for any woman what I feel for you. You must believe that."

She smiled. "I do believe that, Johnny," she murmured, kissing his forehead again. "But I'm not giving you a real kiss until you brush your teeth."

He smiled back and then went over to the sink. When he had brushed thoroughly, he lay back down on the bed, rubbing his temples. Valentina planted a gentle kiss on his lips. "Feeling better?" she asked.

"Yes," he murmured. "My head still hurts."

She kissed his forehead again. "Drink some water," she said, rising.

He caught her arm. "I know what would make me feel better than that," he murmured.

"Johnny…we can't in broad daylight," she murmured. "I can't risk someone seeing us together…"

He sighed heavily. "You're right, of course," he muttered. "But I hate having to hide like this. I want the whole world to be able to see the beautiful woman who I love beyond reason."

"And you wanna be able to have sex whenever you're in the mood," added Valentina, grinning. "As your doctor, I think I have a duty to tell you that you might have an addiction, Professor Crane."

"Can you blame me, when the drug is so utterly irresistable?" he murmured, brushing her hair back.

She leaned her head against his cheek and kissed the palm of his hand tenderly. "I'll see you later, Johnny," she murmured, smiling at him.

He watched her go longingly, and then lay down and shut his eyes, trying to forget about his headache.

"Um…Johnny?" said a voice, as Harley knocked on the bars of his cell.

He growled – the knocking in no way helped his headache. "Yes, Harley, what is it?"

"I just wanted to apologize for telling Val about your other dames – I didn't mean to, and I hope the makeup sex made everything ok between you again. It's the best kinda sex – at least, it is for me and Mr. J."

"Yes, well, thank you, but we didn't get to have makeup sex," retorted Crane. "Some of us can't flaunt our relationship the way you do."

"Yeah, it must be hard for both of you to have to hide it all the time," said Harley, nodding.

"Well, I'm trying to cure myself so I can get out of here," said Crane. "And she can have a real relationship with a sane man, someone she can be proud to call her lover."

"No reason a dame can't be the proud lover of a crazy guy," said Harley, shrugging.

"Valentina deserves better than a crazy guy," retorted Crane. He looked at her. "They say despite everything…you're still a very good psychiatrist."

"Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, of course," said Harley, shrugging. "But yeah, I always had a knack for it."

"Tell me how I can get better," he murmured.

Harley looked at him. "You're saying you want me to treat you, Johnny?"

"I'm saying that I think you understand me well enough to try to help me," he murmured. "I'm asking for your help."

Harley shrugged. "Ok. Have to get back into shrink mode. Just a sec."

She raced from his cell back into her own, and returned a moment later, with her hair up in a tight bun and wearing glasses, and a labcoat over her inmate uniform. "Ok, Johnny, let's have a quick session," she said, taking a seat next to his bed.

"Where…did you get the labcoat?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"Stole it off the body of a doctor during our last breakout," she said, shrugging. "The whole uniform really takes me back though," she said dreamily. "Did I ever tell you about how me and Mr. J got together?"

"Um…yes, Harley, everyone knows that story…"

"I was just outta med school and interning here at Arkham. Our eyes met across the psycho ward and it was love at first sight…"

"Harley, this is meant to be about me, not you, remember?" asked Crane. "You're trying to help cure me."

"Oh yeah, sorry, Johnny," said Harley, shaking her head. "You go ahead. Tell me what's holding you back, in your opinion."

"Well, that's easy," said Crane. "The Scarecrow."

"Do you see the Scarecrow as an entity separate to yourself, or something inside you?" asked Harley.

"Well, he's…a part of me. He's something I need to be…"

"He's a persona you've built up to shield yourself from the world," interrupted Harley. "You hide behind him so you're not afraid. He chases away the fear."

"Yes," said Crane, gazing at her in surprise. "Yes, perhaps he does. Anyway, I need him…"

"You need the security that he provides, not the persona itself," said Harley. "If you could find that security and stability in something else, in another human being, in your girlfriend, maybe, then perhaps you wouldn't need the Scarecrow to chase away your fears."

"Perhaps not," agreed Crane. "But how do you know he would go away for good, even if I put my strength in someone else?"

"I don't," replied Harley. "I don't know how to keep from relapsing back into insane personas, or I wouldn't be locked in the nuthouse. But I think you have to start putting your trust in Val as Jonathan Crane, rather than the Scarecrow. You have to fight him. You have to stop letting the fear of losing him control your life. You're the Master of Fear, you should be able to do that. And Val deserves to love Jonathan Crane, just the way he is."

"Will that be enough for her?" he asked, quietly.

"You gotta have more faith in yourself, Johnny," said Harley. "You're quite the catch. Val knows that. She'll love you no matter what happens. That's what love is."

He nodded. "Yes. That's what love is."


	13. Chapter 13

A few weeks later, Valentina was on her way to the cell block intending to give some painkillers to Jonathan Crane. He hadn't told her he was in any pain, but she just needed an excuse to see him. It was getting ridiculous, but she actually couldn't go long periods of time without seeing him anymore. Even when they couldn't be intimate, she just needed to be near him, to kiss him, to hold him, to hear his beautiful voice whispering her name, calling her "love." His presence had become a drug to her, something she craved every second of every day, and something she could never give up.

She reached his cell and was surprised to find it empty. "Johnny?" she called, puzzled. "Johnny?"

"He's not here," murmured a voice from the neighboring cell. Valentina saw Jervis Tetch sitting next to his tea set, with a cup of tea in hand. "From now on, I shall have to have tea parties on my own," he sighed glumly.

"Why? What's happened to Johnny?" asked Valentina, immediately concerned.

Tetch sipped his tea calmly. "My dear lady, he is cured."

"Cured?" repeated Valentina. "But that's impossible – I would have heard…"

"No, I don't think you would have," he interrupted. "Jonathan intended for it to be a surprise. He wanted you to have no knowledge of it, and he is a very discreet man when the situation calls for it, as I'm sure you know."

Valentina looked at him. "He's gone, then?" she asked quietly. "I won't see him anymore?"

"Not in here," agreed Tetch. "And at least not for the time being. But you know how unpredictable these relapses can be. Madness is an affliction for life, or so I've always believed."

He sipped his tea. "I'm sorry, where are my manners?" he asked. "Would you care for a cup of tea?"

"Um…no, thank you," stammered Valentina. "Do you…um…know where I can find him, Jervis? Did he leave you his address?"

"If I am not mistaken, he will find you," replied Tetch. He smiled. "And then perhaps you can climb out of the rabbit hole too and join him in sanity, my dear Alice."

"Please don't call me that," she snapped. "I know the name is very sacred to you, but I hate it."

Tetch shrugged. "You are not the real Alice, although you do spend your life among lunatics. We're all mad here. Jonathan has had a lucky escape, as Alice did at the Queen of Hearts's trial. Love has awakened him at long last and allowed him to free himself from Wonderland. Would that we were all so fortunate."

Valentina looked at him in pity. "I'm…sorry you've lost your friend."

Tetch shrugged again. "Oh, my dear, if life had treated you as it has treated me, you would come to expect loss. It would be as regular to you as the rain. Still, nobody likes the rain. But there is nothing one can do about it but put up an umbrella and wait until the sun shines again. And I never go out without my umbrella, you know."

Valentina didn't know what he was talking about, but this was hardly unusual for Tetch – nonsense was his speciality. She just nodded and turned away.

"It's a funny thing, love, isn't it?" asked Tetch. "A word with such a wide variety of meanings. I love Alice, you know. There is no other word than that to describe what I feel for her, and yet I find that word is also too common. People feel different types of love for different things, you see. People love friends, lovers, children – all in different ways, but described using the same word. That's nonsense, isn't it?"

"It's…funny, yes," agreed Valentina.

"It is, but not the Joker's funny," agreed Tetch. "Because you see, if you say you love someone, they can interpret that in different ways. They can see it as passionate and vibrant, or solid and never-ending, or friendly and changeable. There are so many different meanings of love, you see, and they can often be mixed up, and that's not funny."

He sipped his tea. "I love Jonathan, you know," he said. "Not as I love Alice, but he is my best friend. I care for him very deeply, for his happiness and his feelings. I suppose that is as valid as any other type of love."

"Oh yes, the love between friends can be incredibly strong…" agreed Valentina.

"And when you say you love him, is that what you mean?" asked Tetch. "Do you mean it's strong and lasting? Or are you just enjoying the thrill and passion of an intense relationship? You see, I do love Jonathan. And he loves you very deeply, in an enduring way. I would hate to have to see him suffer what I suffer, when he realizes that the woman he loves also loves him, but not in the way he wants that word to mean."

Valentina looked at him. "I love Johnny beyond reason," she whispered.

Tetch smiled. "Yes. Now you see, that type of love I understand. The type that makes you quite, quite mad."

He sipped his tea again. "I wish you both every happiness," he said. "And if you both love each other in the way you both think that word means, then you will be happy. And if you don't, you won't. You see, that's funny, but not amusing. And that, my dear, is what nonsense is."

Valentina nodded again, not quite sure what he meant, and then left the cell block. She tried to concentrate on her work for the rest of the day, but was distracted by thoughts. How would she be able to find Johnny? She couldn't bear the thought that she wouldn't see him again, and soon.

The evening came at last and she left the asylum, reaching into her bag for her keys as she headed over to her car, still lost in thought.

"Valentina?" murmured a voice she knew and loved.

She turned to see Jonathan Crane standing in the light of the parking lot. He had traded in his inmate uniform for a brown suit and bowtie with glasses to match. His red hair was combed nicely and he smiled at her with that adorable boyish grin of his.

"Johnny?" she whispered, stunned.

He unlocked the door to his car, a very fancy-looking Bentley, and held the passenger door open. "May I give you a lift?" he asked.

She grinned at him and then climbed in. He went around to the driver's seat and started the car, driving away from Arkham without another word.

"You know where I live?" she asked.

"No," he replied.

"You want directions?"

"No," he repeated.

"So how are you…"

"I am not immediately dropping you off home," interrupted Crane. "If you don't mind, of course. I have a surprise for you."

"What kinda surprise?"

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise," he retorted. "Patience, love. You'll see."

They pulled up in front of the Iceberg Lounge, owned by the Penguin, and one of the most exclusive restaurants in Gotham. "Johnny, I'm not dressed for…" began Valentina.

He reached into the backseat. "I took the liberty of purchasing you a suitable garment earlier today. I do hope it fits, but I think I can estimate your measurements fairly accurately, considering how fascinated I am by your whole body," he added, grinning.

Valentina opened the box he handed to her and revealed a long, dark blue satin dress. "There are shoes to match," he said, nodding at a pair of black heels at the bottom of the box.

Valentina gaped from the dress to him. "Oh…Johnny…it's beautiful!"

"You'd best hurry and change, my angel – our reservation is for seven, and we're cutting it rather fine," said Crane, glancing at his watch and smiling at her.

She grinned. "Don't peek," she muttered, climbing into the backseat and beginning to strip off her work clothes.

"Love, what sort of scoundrel do you think I am to spy on a lady when she's changing?" he asked, grinning.

"A dirty old man," she retorted, pulling on the dress. "Which is what you are. And I told you, I'm not a lady."

She finished dressing and climbed out of the car. Crane did the same and turned to face her. His jaw dropped when he saw how beautiful she looked like this, how the dress shaped and revealed her figure to its fullest advantage, and how her black hair and eyes shone lustrously against the blue fabric.

"How do I look?" she asked, trying to fix her hair.

He caught her hand. "There are no words to describe your beauty," he whispered. "For the second time in my life, you have left me completely speechless. I congratulate you, love."

He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. "I can't wait for the elite of Gotham to see you, a perfect angel on the arm of…"

"What?" she asked. "A dirty old man?"

He grinned. "Something like that, yes."

He took her arm and they entered the Iceberg Lounge. The Penguin stood by the doors, greeting everyone who entered. His customary cigarette holder fell from his mouth when Crane and Valentina came through the doors.

"Jonathan, you must introduce me to your charming companion," he said, hurrying over to them.

"It would be my pleasure, Oswald. Valentina, this is Oswald Cobblepot. Oswald, my date for this evening, Dr. Valentina Crow."

"The pleasure is mine, my dear," said Penguin, taking her hand and kissing it. "Jonathan is…a lucky man."

"He is," agreed Valentina, grinning at him. "And if he plays his cards right, he might get even more lucky tonight."

Crane flushed completely scarlet, which was exactly what Valentina was hoping for. She grinned as Penguin led them over to a table and pulled out her chair for her. "Champagne, compliments of the house," he said, clapping his flippers. A waiter appeared with a bottle and two glasses, which he poured for them.

"None for you, Johnny, you're driving," said Valentina, pulling the glass away as he reached for it. "And I've seen you with a hangover."

"You can't drink the entire bottle yourself," said Crane.

She drained half her glass in one sip. "Watch me," she retorted, grinning.

He grinned back and then raised a glass of water. "To you, my dear," he said.

"To you, Johnny," said Valentina. "A sane man. Congratulations."

"Thank you," he said. "Of course I couldn't have done it without the proper motivation, and so I repeat my toast. To you, my dear."

She smiled at him and sipped her champagne. "It was pretty sneaky of you to have organized all this, Johnny," she said. "First your rehabilitation, and then dinner, and the dress…how did you afford satin, by the way?"

He sipped his water. "I didn't steal it, if that's what you mean."

"I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're the one who jumped to that conclusion, which seems odd if you really didn't steal it…"

"Still have pretensions to psychiatry, my dear?" he interrupted. "I would drop them if I were you. You're terrible at psycho-analysis."

Valentina stood up, suddenly furious. "Watch it, Crane!" she hissed. "I'm a better psycho-analyst than you and all the other doctors in Arkham put together, you got that?!"

He was shocked by her fury. "Love, whatever is the matter?"

Valentina tried to calm down – Crane didn't know about her stint as a psychiatrist, and had clearly meant his comments to be light-hearted and funny. But they weren't funny.

"It's…nothing," she growled, sitting down again. "I don't want to talk about it. Just don't bring up my pretensions to psychiatry again."

He nodded and silence descended on the couple as Valentina angrily downed a glass of champagne. "I have some modest savings from my time as an academic," he murmured. "My money for my experiments when I was…not well…was mostly stolen. All the money I saved honestly over the years has been gathering interest in an old bank account. That's how I can afford satin."

She sipped her drink. "You trying to tell me you're rich, Johnny?"

"I'm…well off," he finished. "At the moment."

She nodded. "Rich, educated, cute guy," she murmured, grinning at him. "What's the catch?"

He smiled. "Well, I've been reliably informed by my doctor that I have somewhat of an addiction," he murmured, taking her hand.

"An addiction to what?" she asked, smiling at him.

He planted a kiss on the inside of her wrist. "You, love," he whispered.

She grinned. "You just can't say sex, can you?"

"Of course I can," he retorted.

"Say it," she insisted.

He took a drink. "Sex," he said, and his face flushed bright red.

Valentina giggled. She wasn't accustomed to giggling, but he was so cute when he blushed. And she had already had a decent amount of the champagne.

She drank even more of it over their three-course lobster dinner. When they left the restaurant at last it had started to rain, and Crane took off his jacket and held it over her head as they raced to the car. They climbed in, he in the driver's seat, she in the passenger's seat. "There, my dear," he said, taking his jacket back and studying her. "You're not wet, are you?"

She giggled uncontrollably. "Did I say something amusing?" he asked, puzzled.

"Well, you're not the Joker, Johnny," she retorted, grinning. "But yeah, you're a funny guy. Cute, too," she whispered.

"I don't understand…"

She seized him by the bowtie. "And I don't understand what you do to me, Johnny," she whispered. "All I know is I can't control how much I need you and want you. And I'm not gonna be held responsible for what I'm about to do," she murmured, crushing her mouth into his and pulling him down on top of her.


	14. Chapter 14

Valentina lay in the bath with her eyes closed, leaning her head back against the wall. She heard the door to the bathroom open and a moment later felt a hand stroking her hair back from her face, and a soft kiss planted on her lips. She kept her eyes shut, but smiled. "Where were we, Johnny?" she whispered.

He sat in his robe on the ledge of the tub and she leaned her head into his lap as he picked up a book, and read aloud, in a voice that she had come to need desperately over the past four weeks. "Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a beautiful princess. She had hair as golden as…" He stopped reading and gazed down at Valentina. "Hair as black as a raven's wing, and as soft as silk," he continued, stroking her hair gently with his free hand. "Eyes as black and as beautiful as the night, and lips as red as a rose in bloom," he whispered, kissing her again. "And utterly intoxicating."

"Just keep reading, Johnny," she murmured, although she smiled at the compliment.

He drew his mouth away reluctantly and returned his attention to the book. "In order to keep her safe from the dangers of the world, her father, the king, locked the princess in a tower when she was but a child, to await…"

He paused, suddenly wary of the subject matter. "Keep going," murmured Valentina.

"…to await the coming of a noble prince would be brave enough to vanquish the foul dragon guarding her and set her free."

"That'd be Dr. Arkham," muttered Valentina.

He laughed. "So that would make me Prince Charming, would it?"

"Mmm," she breathed, tilting her face up for his kiss. "You are an incredibly charming man, Professor Crane."

"Professor, not prince," he said, smiling.

"My prince," she whispered, leaning her head against his lap again and holding his hand tightly. "Who rescued me from my tower cell."

"It's true what they say in my case," he murmured, grinning. "The pen is mightier than the sword."

She laughed. "Keep reading," she said.

"I can't – my glasses are fogging up," he muttered, taking them off and wiping the lenses. "It's the steam from the bath."

Valentina giggled. "My little nerdy prince," she whispered, standing up slowly. "Never mind, I know how the story ends. They all lived happily ever after."

She reached for her towel, wrapping it around her body and shaking her hair out. Then she turned to look at him, grinning. "Should we go to bed, Johnny?"

"Love…you do make it quite impossible to refuse you," he gasped, gazing at her in adoration. An instant later he was in her arms, pressing her down on the bed in the neighboring room. Valentina fell asleep in his gentle embrace, utterly and truly happy.

She awoke later that night when she realized that she was no longer in his arms. The bed was empty. She sat up slowly and heard him shuffling around in the dark, looking for his clothes.

"You're not staying tonight?" she asked.

He was clearly surprised at her being awake, for she heard him trip and fall against the dresser. "Oh…no, love, I can't tonight."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I have…some…er…business to attend to."

"What business?" she asked. "You're not working at the moment, are you?"

"No. No, not officially. It's just a few…erm…experiments I'm conducting."

She sat bolt upright at this. "Experiments?" she repeated.

"It's not what you think, love, I swear it," he said, feeling his way back over to the bed and kissing her forehead. "Just some minor chemical research, to keep my brain active."

"The chemical wouldn't be fear toxin, would it?" she asked.

"No, no, love, I promise," he whispered. "Just some minor chemicals."

"What do they do?"

"They…erm…it's complicated, love, and difficult to explain…"

"Try," she said. "I'm a doctor, remember?"

He sighed heavily. "Please just…trust me, love," he whispered. "I can handle this."

"You can't, Johnny," she whispered. "I don't want you to start experimenting with fear toxin again. If I lost my Johnny to the Scarecrow..."

"You won't, my dear, he's gone forever," whispered Crane, kissing her forehead again. "Jonathan Crane is yours, and yours alone."

She nodded slowly. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

He pressed his mouth deeply into hers. "Try keeping me away," he whispered, grinning. "I love you, Valentina. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," she whispered, as she heard him leave the room, shutting the door behind him. She sighed, lying back down, but she knew it was useless. She wouldn't sleep anymore tonight.


	15. Chapter 15

Valentina was spending her Saturday night sitting in front of the TV in her underwear and watching trashy horror movies while enjoying the delights of a Chinese takeaway. She had meant to do the laundry, but when she turned on the TV and saw that a film version of _The Legend of Sleepy Hollow_ was on, she was immediately hooked. She grinned as she watched Ichabod Crane clumsily try to woo Katrina Van Tassel – he wasn't nearly as cute as her Crane.

They had been together two months now, and every passing day she grew more in love with him. It was everything about him, really – the way he made her late for work in the mornings by spending too much time in bed, the way he cooked for her (he was an excellent cook because he had been a bachelor his whole life, or so he claimed), and just little things, like the way he kissed her as if he would never see her again. The way he blushed when they made out in a public place. The way he could always tell when she needed to be held without saying a word.

She had been dreamily remembering all of this when she heard the key turn in the lock on the front door. "Crap!" she exclaimed, seizing a blanket and throwing it over herself. "Johnny!" she said as he entered the room. "I thought you had work to do tonight!"

"I've done it," he replied, smiling at her. "So I thought I'd spend the rest of the evening with you, love."

"Oh…great," she stammered.

His eyes clouded in confusion. "Do you wish me to go, love?"

"No…no, Johnny, you can stay," she said, clutching the blanket tightly around her. "I'm just gonna…go…to my room quickly."

He caught her arm. "Why?" he asked.

"Cause I wanna," she retorted. "Don't interrogate me, Johnny."

"Valentina, am I…interrupting something?" he asked.

"Nothing important," she retorted.

"There's not…someone else here?" he stammered.

She gaped at him. Then she slapped him hard. "How dare you think I'd cheat on you?!" she demanded. "That's not the reason at all! The reason, Professor, since you're so goddamn nosy, is that I haven't done the laundry, so I don't have any clothes, so I'm in my undies!" she snapped, throwing the blanket on the ground. "So how about that, you paranoid bastard?"

"Can you…blame me?" he stammered, gazing at her. "You're such a…magnificent woman…and I'm an old…"

"Paranoid bastard," she finished. "Cute, though," she added, grinning.

"I don't suppose you'd consider…remaining in your current state of undress?" asked Crane, smiling. "It would please me very much."

Valentina smiled back, and sat back down on the couch. "You can look, but don't touch," she retorted.

He sat down next to her. "What work did you have to do tonight?" she asked casually.

"Just a small…experiment," he murmured, staring at her.

"Eyes up here," she muttered, seizing his chin and forcing his face up. "What kinda experiment?"

"The effect of a certain toxin on small animals," he replied.

"What certain toxin?" she asked.

He didn't respond. "It's fear toxin, isn't it?" she murmured.

He nodded slowly. "Yes, but it's…"

"Jesus Christ, Johnny!" she interrupted, suddenly furious. "Don't you care about me at all?!"

"Of course I do, love!" he exclaimed. "This doesn't have anything to do with my feelings for you…"

"Let me explain something to you, Professor," she said. "If you relapse, we're through! Not because I want us to be, but because I can't carry on an affair with a patient! I'd lose my job! And I couldn't stay in a relationship with a lunatic…"

"No? You were perfectly willing to start one!" he snapped. "If you love me, my dear, as you claim to, you should love me no matter what! Losing my sanity shouldn't change that…"

"Who do you think I am, Johnny, Harley Quinn?" demanded Valentina. "So dependent on my man that I'll just sacrifice everything for his sake?"

"I'm not asking you to sacrifice everything!" he snapped. "I'm not even asking you to stay with me if I relapse! I wouldn't blame you if you left me! I don't even understand why you're with me now!"

"Because I love you, you idiot!" she shrieked.

"And I love you!" he cried.

She glared at him, and then marched over the bag he had brought with him. "Don't…" he began, but she silenced him with a look. She opened it and rummaged around it, looking for some evidence of fear toxin, or maybe the Scarecrow mask. There was nothing, and she was puzzled.

"Why didn't you want me looking in here?" she asked.

"Never mind," he snapped. "Just don't…"

"What's in here?" asked Valentina, pulling out a tiny box.

"Don't open that!" he commanded.

"Don't tell me what to do, Johnny, you…" she began. But she opened the box suddenly and saw the tiny diamond ring inside it, and was suddenly lost for words. "What's this?" she murmured.

"What does it look like?" he asked.

"Johnny…it's not…you're not…"

"I didn't want it to be like this," he said, coming over to her. "I imagined a much more romantic scene than you rummaging through my bag in your underwear. But it's ruined now," he sighed. "I should have known by now that nothing I plan will ever work out."

"Why…do you have a ring in your bag?" she asked.

"Because I want to ask you to marry me, you little fool," he said, smiling. "Why do you think?"

He sat down next to her. "I had envisioned cooking you a sumptuous meal and whispering the question to you over candlight," he sighed. "This won't be the most romantic story to tell our children, you know."

"Children?" she repeated, recovering slowly from her shock. She grinned. "You've got this all planned out rather nicely, haven't you, Johnny?"

"Well, the dream has always been there," he said, smiling at her. "I just never thought it could be a reality."

He kissed her gently. "I hate it when you're sneaky," she muttered. "And I hate it when you're adorable when I'm trying to be angry with you. I hate the way I can't stay mad at you. I hate the way I'm going to accept your proposal even though you're scaring me into thinking you might relapse. I hate the way I can't imagine anything I'd rather be than Mrs. Jonathan Crane for the rest of my life. And most of all, Johnny, I hate how my insides are gonna turn to mush when I call you my fiance," she whispered, kissing him tenderly.

"I understand the feeling," he whispered. "I think I might faint from happiness now that I can think of you as my future wife."

"You're so pathetic," she whispered. "Cute, though."

The movie was almost over when they finally turned their attention back to it. "Poor old Ichabod," murmured Valentina, cuddling against Crane's naked body on the couch. "Not nearly as cute as mine though."

"Thought you preferred Johnny," he murmured, kissing her fingertips.

"I do," she murmured. "My fiance, Johnny Crane."

She gazed at her ring. "I can't wait to show this off at work tomorrow," she whispered. "To let the whole world know I'm marrying the most wonderful man in the world."

"Will that be…entirely wise?" he asked. "I daresay the other doctors at Arkham don't approve of us."

"I don't care what they approve of," she retorted. "We're two consenting adults. There's nothing wrong with our relationship."

"Of course you know best, love," he murmured, stroking her hair. "Shall we go to bed?"

"Mmm, too tired to move," she whispered. "Let's just sleep here."

"It's rather crowded…" he murmured.

"You calling me fat, Johnny?" she demanded.

He grinned. "I would never call you skinny, love."

"Johnny!" she exclaimed, offended.

He chuckled. "Believe me, my dear, when one has been called skinny one's entire life, the word ceases to be a flattering one."

He stood up suddenly and picked her up like a child.

"Let me carry my beautiful, buxom, bride-to-be to bed," he murmured, kissing her.

She smiled, leaning against his chest. By the time he reached the bedroom, she had already fallen asleep in his arms.


	16. Chapter 16

Valentina's alarm sounded loudly the next morning and she groaned, hitting it with her fist. "Why can't I have weekends off like everyone else in the world?" she muttered, rubbing her eyes. She suddenly noticed the engagement ring on her finger and beamed. The day had instantly become better.

Crane was still asleep, holding her gently in his arms. She kissed him tenderly. "Morning, my adorable fiance," she whispered.

"Good morning, my beautiful bride-to-be," he murmured, smiling at her.

"Mmm…Johnny…I can't…I gotta get to work," she said, pushing him gently off her.

"Oh, very well," he muttered, folding his arms across his chest. "But I warn you, I shall be quite insatiable upon your return, my dear."

"What else is new?" she asked, reaching for her robe. "Serves me right for agreeing to marry an addict."

"Maybe you should stop indulging my addiction," he murmured, grinning at her.

"And what would you do if I did that, Johnny?" she asked, grinning. "Go crazy again?"

"No – that would imply that I'm not presently crazy," he retorted. "And I am, completely and utterly madly in love with you. And you may have pretensions to psychiatry, Dr. Crow, but I hope you're never able to cure me of my insanity. I wish to remain completely and utterly madly in love with you until the end of my days."

Valentina saw the sincerity in his eyes and grinned. "God dammit, Crane!" she exclaimed, throwing herself on top of him. "It won't be this easy for you to get me into bed after we're married, you know!"

She was late for work, because she kept running back after she left to kiss him goodbye again. And she didn't care, she thought, as she strolled happily into Arkham Asylum. Nothing could bring her down today. She was engaged to be married to the most wonderful guy in the world, and no matter what kinda irritations she had to put up with at work, nothing could change that incredible fact.

"Alice, could I have a word with you in my office?" said a voice.

Valentina turned to see Dr. Arkham smiling at her. Well, not even he could bring her down today, she thought, and she shrugged. "Sure."

"Please sit down," he said, gesturing her inside.

She obeyed. "How are you today, Alice?" he asked.

"Fine. How are you?"

"Fine," he agreed. He studied her intently with his cold, blue eyes. "That's a lovely ring you're wearing," he said.

"Oh…thank you," she replied. "It's from my boyfriend. We're engaged."

"Ah. Your boyfriend Ichabod," said Dr. Arkham, nodding. "Ichabod Crane, isn't it?" he asked quietly.

"I'm…sorry?" she asked.

"The character. From _The Legend of Sleepy Hollow_. I'm sure his name is Ichabod Crane," murmured Dr. Arkham.

"Oh…yeah, it is."

"So you're to be Mrs. Crane, then?" asked Dr. Arkham, looking straight at her.

Valentina stared back at him. "I don't know what you…"

"Oh, I think you do," he interrupted. "You've been seen out and about with Professor Crane. Is it true you're going to marry the Scarecrow?"

"I'm going to marry Professor Crane," agreed Valentina.

"They are one and the same," replied Dr. Arkham, nodding. "The guillible and naïve doctors believed in his rehabilitation, but I didn't. I knew such a thing wasn't possible, not for the Scarecrow. Once a lunatic, always a lunatic. I should have thought you of all people would have understood that, Alice, after your disastrous stint as a psychiatrist. You were given one patient, not even one of the deranged supercriminals, and he still relapsed into madness and killed twenty people, if I'm not mistaken."

She glared at him. "If I had been given more time with that patient, you know as well as I do that he wouldn't have relapsed. He was pushed into being released early, probably by my father, to prove to himself and the world that I couldn't handle being a real psychiatrist…he wanted to teach me a lesson. He likes doing that."

"Your father is concerned for your safety…"

"My father has always been a liar, and a monster, and an evil, evil man," she interrupted. "Worse than any patient incarcerated this facility. And you can tell him I said that," she said, standing up. "Now if that will be all…"

"I will tell your father you said that, along with the news that you're engaged to be married to the Scarecrow," said Dr. Arkham. "And how do you think he'll react to that?"

"I don't care," retorted Valentina. "I don't have to answer to him anymore."

Dr. Arkham looked at her. "The Scarecrow," he repeated. "Why would someone of your talent and beauty settle for a deranged lunatic like him? He's not an attractive man…"

"I love him," she interrupted.

"How can anyone love a lunatic?" he demanded.

"Very easily," she retorted. "But he's not a lunatic, not anymore. He's changed…"

"Is that what he told you?" demanded Dr. Arkham. "And you believed him?"

"I'm going to marry him – I have to trust him," snapped Valentina.

"Foolish on both counts," retorted Dr. Arkham. He studied her. "You haven't allowed him to…violate you, have you?"

"That's neither your nor my father's business," she retorted, heading for the door. Then she turned around and smiled. "But yes, if you want to know, I have. We've both violated each other, many times. He's quite a good violator, the Scarecrow, which is why I want him to violate me repeatedly for the rest of my life. You see I'm not the young lady my father always wanted me to be, but the Scarecrow loves me despite that. Be sure to tell him that."

She stormed from the room, shaking in fury. She sat in her office alone, trying to calm down, but it was no good. She picked up the phone and dialled a number.

"Yes, love?" said the voice she loved more than anything else in the world.

"Hi, baby, I just needed to hear your voice," she murmured, instantly calming.

"Something the matter?" he asked.

"Just had a really unpleasant conversation with Dr. Arkham," she sighed. "He wasn't too happy about our engagement."

"I hope you told him it was none of his business," he retorted.

"I did. I also told him that you've violated me repeatedly," she said, grinning.

"Yes, because I'm a dirty old man with a sex addiction," he said. "Quite the catch. Your father is going to be thrilled."

She giggled. "What are you doing, baby?"

"Conducting an experiment. I'm thinking of forming a corporation, and this research is essential to its establishment. You should get back to work and let me get back to mine. You're not meant to take personal calls on the job, you know."

"Johnny, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to get rid of me," said Valentina, grinning.

"Of course not, love, I just…am in the middle of something."

"What?"

"I told you, an experiment."

"What kinda experiment?"

She suddenly heard a scream in the background, and her heart fell. "Johnny? Was that you?"

"No, love, just the…erm…experiment," he stammered hastily.

"Johnny…you're not experimenting with fear toxin on humans again?" she asked gently.

"I…um…have to go, my dear. I'll see you later tonight."

"Johnny…"

But the phone suddenly went dead. Valentina stared at in horror for a moment, and then put it down and burst into tears. She didn't cry very often, but she suddenly felt terribly alone. Like she was trapped in her cell again, and the one man who could save her had suddenly turned away from her…and into a Scarecrow.


	17. Chapter 17

She returned home later that night to find him waiting for her with a romantic dinner ready. But she wasn't in the mood.

"Love…about earlier today…let me explain…" he stammered as she entered the room, but she silenced him with a glare.

"I don't wanna hear you lie to me, Johnny," she muttered.

"I would never lie to you," he murmured. "That's why I had to hang up on you. I would never have done that either, but I needed to tell you the truth face to face."

She continued to glare at him, and folded her arms across her chest. "Go ahead, then."

He licked his lips nervously. "The truth is…I am conducting experiments with fear toxin on humans. Love, let me explain!" he called as she stormed from the room.

"What's to explain?!" she demanded, whirling around to face him. "You've become the Scarecrow again!"

"I never stopped being the Scarecrow," he murmured, his eyes faraway and glassy. "He isn't a separate entity to me; he's always been a part of me. And do you know what part of me he is, Valentina? He's the lost, scared little boy all those bullies used to pick on. They created him, with every punch and every cruel word and every moment of humiliation and abuse. I remember the day I first showed the Scarecrow to them, when I stabbed one of them with a knife, and let them see the monster they had created. I had never felt happier. Just think for a moment, my dear, back to your own childhood…"

"I don't wanna remember my childhood," she snapped.

"No, nor I mine," he murmured. "Neither of us were very happy children. But in those dark times, I found a reason to endure, a purpose, a hope. Nobody was ever afraid of Jonathan Crane, but they feared the Scarecrow. And the Scarecrow made the world pay for what it had done to Jonathan Crane. Because you can't keep the monster locked inside you, Valentina, not when you didn't create it. That's not fair at all, having to keep all that anger and hatred in you. It will destroy you eventually. And you can't let yourself be destroyed by a monster you didn't create, and have no responsibility for. You have to let those responsible for the monster feel its wrath, feel its hatred and anger, and be terrified by it."

He took her hands gently. "If there was some way you could make the man responsible for your imprisonment as a child pay, if you could let him feel all the despair and fear and hatred and rage that you suffered alone in your cell, would you do it, Valentina? Or would you keep it locked away inside you, to eat away at your heart and mind and destroy you one day? Wouldn't you rather it destroyed those who deserve its wrath?"

"I have kept it locked inside me," she murmured.

He smiled sadly. "Then you are a better person than I, my dear. Perhaps I am a weak man, after all, and you're so strong and beautiful…"

He raised a hand to her face. "You deserve so much better than an old lunatic consumed by hatred," he whispered. "But that is who I am, Valentina. It is who I always have been. Jonathan Crane and the Scarecrow are one and the same."

He turned away. "I should never have let you get involved with me, let alone asked you to marry me," he murmured. "It will break my heart to let you go, but I can't ask you stay with me like this. And I…love you so much, Valentina," he whispered, turning back to her. "Too much to let you marry a raving madman. I'm sorry."

"Johnny, I…need a moment alone," she said.

"Of course, my dear," he murmured, raising her hand to his lips. "I'll…um…pack my things."

She nodded and then headed for her room. She shut the door and collapsed onto the bed, burying her face in the pillow. But she didn't cry. Not this time. This was too important a moment in her life to act like a kid. The man she loved beyond reason was going to leave her, because he was insane. And she was going to let him slip away just like that, the best thing that had ever happened to her life. Which made her insane too.

That was an odd word – insane. Johnny was insane, but he had never acted that way with her. He wasn't a raving psychopath around her – he was an intelligent, lucid, and eloquent man. He had always said things that made sense to her, even long ago in her cell, when he had told her about madness and sanity, and how arbitrary those terms were. He was right. Heck, people probably thought she was mad already, to be dating Johnny. But what did it matter what people thought really?

Johnny thought it was ok to go around causing mass terror and frightening people to death, and she understood why. What he had said to her made sense – the Scarecrow was the product of other people, stupid, selfish, heartless other people. People who had hurt him. She had been hurt by people too. Incredibly damaged by them – her father, Dr. Arkham, and many others…why should she have to suffer for that? She was the victim – they were the monsters. They were the ones who deserved her pain. So why shouldn't she let them have it?

Why shouldn't she help Johnny? She loved him. She would do anything for him. And she would always be with him if she joined him in his crusade against the world. She could support him and help him and protect him and love him every second of every day.

Or she could stay working at Arkham Asylum as a physician, which she had never wanted to be anyway. She could lose Johnny as a lover, maybe see him occasionally as a patient, but only platonically. And she could continue on with the dreary drudgery of her life, day after day, alone. She might as well be locked in her cell again if that was how she was going to live her life.

She hadn't realized it before, but going back to Arkham hadn't been facing her fears. It had been returning to the place where she had been confined. She was still confined there, body and spirit, until Johnny had set her free. She needed to let him set her completely free. Or maybe at long last, she could set herself free.

She rushed into the bathroom and seized her makeup bag. She found some white facepaint and smeared it on, rubbing it in so it covered her entire face. Then she seized black lipstick and drew two large triangles under her eyes, filling them in with red. Finally, she traced a thin, stitched smile through her lips and across her face. A smile like a Scarecrow. She just needed a name of her own.

Scarecrow…Crane…Ichabod…Sleepy Hollow…exploding pumpkins…no…exploding jack o'lanterns. Jackolantern. Jackielantern. Jackie Lantern.

She smiled. She liked it. She only hoped her Scarecrow would too.

She raced from the bathroom and back into the living room. He turned and stared at her, shocked. "What's all this?" he asked.

"I don't wanna lose you, Johnny," she whispered. "I wanna help my Scarecrow terrify everyone who deserves to live in fear. The world deserves to know what it's done to us. Both of us. It deserves to tremble in fear of us."

Crane stared at her. "I don't understand…"

"I wanna join you, Johnny," she whispered. "I wanna be your partner, sidekick, henchwench, whatever. I just wanna be with you, my Scarecrow," she whispered.

He shook his head slowly. "No. No, I can't let you give up everything for me…"

"Let me?" she repeated, grinning. "Since when have you ever had the power in this relationship, Johnny? I do what I wanna without your permission. This is my choice," she said, taking his hand. "This is who I wanna be forever. Yours."

He touched her makeup gently. "You're so…beautiful like this," he whispered. "Beautiful and terrifying…oh, love, I never thought I could love you more than I already did…"

He kissed along her painted smile gently. "You're sure this is what you want?" he murmured.

She gazed at him. "Kiss me," she whispered.

He obeyed, pressing his mouth tenderly into hers. "Yes," she whispered when he drew away.

"Oh, Valentina…" he breathed, cupping her face gently.

"It's Jackie now," she murmured. "Jackie Lantern."

"Jackie…Lantern?" he repeated.

She shrugged. "Better than Harley Quinn anyway, doncha think?" she said grinning.

"I think I couldn't love it more if I tried," he whispered. "Just like I couldn't love you more if I tried. My beautiful Jackie Lantern."

"My Scarecrow," she whispered. "My God of Fear."

They stood gazing into each other's eyes without speaking. Then she grinned. "So I've had sex with Johnny Crane – what's the Scarecrow like in bed?"

"Mmm, I don't know, love," he whispered, smiling and kissing her gently. "He's never tried it, you know. I imagine he'll be just as enthusiastic. A little rougher, perhaps. How's Jackie Lantern?"

"Oh, it's her first time too," she whispered, grinning.

"Really?" he replied, smiling. "In that case, before he takes her virginity, the Scarecrow would like to ask Jackie Lantern something."

"Go ahead," she said.

He held up her hand with the engagement ring shining on it. "Will you marry me, Jackie Lantern?" he murmured.

She grinned. "Well, it seems only fair that you make amends for taking my virginity, Scarecrow."

He kissed her hand tenderly. "Then let's go to bed, my bride."

"Bride of the Scarecrow," she whispered, smiling as he picked her up and carried her towards the bedroom. "I like the sound of that."


	18. Chapter 18

"How are you feeling, Mrs. Crane?" Jonathan Crane murmured as he drove.

Valentina smiled. They hadn't spoken a word since leaving the registry office. She now held their marriage certificate in one hand, and had her other clasped in his, their identical gold rings entwined together.

"Fine. How are you feeling, my husband?" she asked, smiling at Crane.

"Deliriously happy," he murmured, smiling at her. "I never imagined I would ever have a wife, especially not one so astoundingly beautiful."

He suddenly pulled the car over, and pulled her into his arms, kissing her tenderly. "I love you so much, my wife," he whispered, on the verge of tears. "I don't know what I've done to have you as my own forever and ever."

"Well, you said 'I do' to the justice of the peace when he asked if you wanted me to be your wife…" began Valentina, grinning.

"Don't mock me when I'm pouring my heart out to you, woman," he said, grinning back.

"I'll do what I wanna," she whispered. "This marriage hasn't changed our relationship, y'know. I'll always be the one wearing the pants."

"Mmm. I prefer it when you don't wear any pants, however," he murmured, sliding his hand down her waist.

"Johnny, no, wait until tonight," she giggled. "We gotta get going or we'll be late."

He sighed heavily, starting the car again. "If he weren't the best, I'd make him wait while I take first possession of my wife," he muttered. "But he is the best, love. Everyone uses him – Joker, Harley, Two-Face, Poison Ivy, Jervis…"

"Does he only cater to supercriminals?" asked Valentina.

"Well, I wouldn't blame him – we do pay well," replied Crane, grinning. "But no, I think he has a wide clientele. I wouldn't be surprised if Batman uses him – say what you like about the man, he does have excellent style."

"You're starting to sound like the Joker," retorted Valentina, grinning. "Should I be worried that our marriage is a sham, Johnny, and that you secretly want Batman?"

"You've found me out, my dear," he said, grinning. "Because obviously I have no physical interest in the female sex. You know how difficult it is to get me into bed."

"Mmm, nearly impossible," she said, smiling back. "But I do hope you'll cooperate tonight, for tradition's sake."

"I shall be incredibly disappointed if anything about tonight is traditional," he murmured.

"Oh, Johnny, you naughty boy," she whispered, grinning.

They pulled up in front of an elegant building, and Crane knocked on the door. It was immediately opened by an older man, incredibly well dressed and emaculate-looking. He beamed as he saw him.

"_Monsieur _Crane!" he exclaimed, seizing him and kissing both his cheeks. "It has been too long!"

"_Bonjour_, Francois," said Crane, smiling at him as he returned the kisses. "I'm sorry I've not come by sooner, but the last costume you made me has lasted so well, even after all the battles with Batman."

"It is designed to be, shall we say, Bat-resistant," chuckled Francois. "Sadly not Bat-repellant though. Come in, _mon ami, _come…" he began, but suddenly noticed Valentina and his jaw dropped.

"_Mon Dieu_," he whispered. "You must forgive me for staring…_chere mademoiselle_…but it has been a long time since I have been stunned in the presence of beauty," he whispered, raising her hand to his lips. "But beauty such as yours is _sans pareil_. Beyond compare."

"Oh…thanks very much," said Valentina.

"Francois, allow me to introduce…my wife," murmured Crane, smiling at her. "Mrs. Valentina Crane."

Francois stared from her to him. "Oh…many congratulations, _Monsieur _Crane!" he exclaimed. "Forgive me, I did not know, I would have sent a wedding gift…"

"It's fine – we didn't invite anyone," replied Crane. "It was a small, private ceremony in front of a justice of the peace. About an hour ago," he murmured, smiling at her.

"Oh…_Monsieur_…_Madame_… _félicitations_!" Francois cried, ushering them inside. "I will find some champagne – what an occasion! It calls for the Dom Perignon. I was saving it for _Monsieur _Joker and _Mademoiselle _Quinn's wedding, but I may be long dead before that happens, if indeed it ever does!" he laughed.

"And so why have you spent your wedding day visiting your tailor?" asked Francois when he had supplied them all with glasses of champagne. "I am tremendously flattered, of course, but it is clearly too late for me to design _Madame_ Crane's wedding dress," he said, smiling at her.

"Actually, I was hoping you could design something for her," said Crane. "You see, my wife wishes to help me in my professional occupation, and so she needs a costume similar to mine in order to match for a job we have to do tomorrow night."

"I've actually designed something myself," said Valentina, reaching into her bag and pulling out some sketches. "If you wanna take a look."

Francois took the drawings from her, studying them. He beamed. "_Magnifique_," he whispered, flipping to another one. "Oh, _Madame_ Crane, _c'est parfait_! I would not change a thing even if I could…Jackie Lantern," he read. His brow furrowed in puzzlement for a moment, and then he beamed. "Ah yes, a pun, like the kind _Monsieur _Joker is so fond of!" he laughed. "So we have the fear in this design, the horror, the terror, of which _Monsieur _Crane is so fond…ah, _oui_, _Madame_, you have excellent talent," he said, smiling at her. "_C'est incroyable_. You do not need my services," he said, handing the designs back to her.

"I haven't seen these," said Crane, intercepting the sketches. They were of a sleeveless belly shirt made from burlap sacking, with matching burlap sacking short shorts, a rope belt, thigh-high black and orange stockings, and black heels. He studied them with a frown on his face, and then cleared his throat.

"Um…forgive me for being…um…prudish, but I'm not sure I'm…quite comfortable with…my wife…showing off that much…flesh."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, Johnny," said Valentina, nodding. "I'll change it to a nun's habit made outta sacking, how about that?"

"_Monsieur _Crane, I assure you, as a man with exquisite taste, that it would be a crime most heinous to keep a figure such as your wife's hidden," retorted Francois. "If I were you, and had such a woman as my wife, I would want the whole world to be able to see how stunningly beautiful she is, and realize that she was mine, and mine alone. To know that I would be the only man ever allowed to take full advantage of her magnificent figure. It would not be a cause for concern for me, but of pride."

"I suppose…" began Crane slowly.

"And like I said, Johnny, I'll do what I wanna," retorted Valentina. "And I'll wear what I wanna, and you can like it."

"I do…like it, my dear," he murmured. "Very, very much. Perhaps if we find the necessary materials now…you will be able to wear it tonight?"

Francois rushed from the room and returned a moment later with several yards of burlap sacking. "I always have some on hand for you, _Monsieur _Crane," he said. "You may take that home with you, and enjoy the rest of your wedding day together. _Félicitations_ once again, and please come back soon. I would be honored to one day dress _Madame _Crane," he said, kissing her hand again. "I will dream of doing so tonight, while you both will be enjoying the opposite," he said, grinning.

They thanked Francois for the material and the champagne, stopped off to pick up the shoes and stockings at the mall, and then drove back to Crane's hideout in the basement of an old chemical factory. He picked her up and carried her over the threshold, and she pulled him down onto the sofa the moment they were inside.

"Wait, my dear, I have something for you," he said, standing up. "A wedding present, of sorts."

He returned a moment later with a wrapped parcel, with a tag attached that read _To my beautiful wife_.

"Much as I hate to contradict Francois, I do believe your charming costume will need an accessory," he murmured as she unwrapped the gift. She pulled out a mask made from burlap sacking, fitted with an air ventilator. "For the fear toxin," he murmured. "I don't want you to ever be exposed to it. It would be the worst torture imaginable for me to see you afraid," he whispered, touching her face gently.

"It's beautiful, Johnny," she whispered.

"I thought perhaps a vaccination against the fear toxin would be best, but then I remembered your phobia of needles," he said. "And I realized the cure would be worse than the disease. I don't want you to be afraid of anything around me. I don't want you to be afraid ever again."

She grinned. "Well, I'm married to the God of Fear now, so that doesn't seem very likely," she murmured.

He took her hand, kissing it tenderly. "My beautiful bride," he murmured. "The only thing I'm afraid of now is losing you."

She kissed him. "You won't," she whispered. "Not ever. Till death do we part, that was our vow."

"If…something happened to you because of me…I could never forgive myself," he whispered, tears coming to his eyes again. He shut them tightly. "Are you sure you want to come with me tomorrow night?"

"Yes, Johnny," she murmured. "I'm your partner now, both personally and professionally. I want to help you. And don't worry – I can take care of myself. I know Ninjitsu, you know."

"Do you?" he asked, surprised.

She grinned. "Want me to show you, Johnny?" she asked. "I'll dropkick you into bed, if you wanna."

He smiled. "Oh, my dear, that does sound intriguing," he said, standing up.

She stood up too, heading for the makeshift bedroom. She opened the door and beckoned him, smiling. "Come and get me then, you dirty old man," she whispered.

He didn't need to be asked twice.


	19. Chapter 19

"Feeling sore this morning, Johnny?" asked Valentina, smiling as he opened the door to the makeshift kitchen and hobbled inside.

"Oh yes, my dear, deliciously so," he murmured, kissing her. "And you?"

"Mmm. I hope I feel better before this job tonight," she whispered. "Or I won't be any use to you at all."

He kissed her again. "Do you need help with breakfast?" he asked.

"I think I can handle making pancakes, Johnny," she retorted, grinning at him. "Why doncha just rest and recover your energy for tonight?"

"Because I'd much rather stay with my gorgeous wife," he murmured, snaking an arm around her waist and kissing her neck.

She shoved him away playfully. "Don't be greedy, Johnny," she grinned. "Just go watch TV. I'll be out in a bit."

He sighed, kissed her again, and then went into the living room, such as it was, and turned on the TV, which he had to hit a few times before it actually worked. "…Dr. Alice Valentina Crow still missing. The physician at Arkham Asylum disappeared two weeks ago, last seen in the company of Professor Jonathan Crane, formerly the deranged lunatic known as the Scarecrow. Authorities believe that Professor Crane has kidnapped Dr. Crow against her will – it is not known if she is still alive or not…"

"Are you hearing this, love?" he called. "The authorities believe I have spirited you away, as the Headless Horseman did Ichabod Crane."

"Well, who would really believe the truth?" she asked, grinning as she entered the room with two plates of pancakes. "After all, a girl would have to be out of her mind to marry the Scarecrow."

"And are you out of your mind, love?" he murmured, kissing her.

"I think I must be, considering what I'm about to ask you," she said.

He frowned. "Something wrong, love?" he asked. "Tell me."

She took a deep breath. "I'd like you to…give me the fear toxin vaccination."

He stared at her. "But…why, love? You're afraid of needles…"

"Yes, and I have to face that fear," she interrupted. "I'm married to the Master of Fear now – it's only fair that I master my fears too," she said, grinning.

He looked uncomfortable. "I wouldn't want to…frighten you, my dear."

"Hey, I'm a big girl, Johnny," she said, kissing him. "C'mon, baby, please?"

He sighed heavily and stood up. "Very well. Wait here."

He left and she turned her attention to the TV, eating her pancakes and trying to remain calm. Crane returned a few moments later carrying something in his hand. He said nothing, but ate his breakfast in silence. When they were both done, she took a deep breath and turned to him. "Got it?"

He nodded, holding open his hand to reveal a syringe. Valentina's heart instantly sped up as her insides squeezed shut. She instinctively drew back, but he took her hand and gently placed it on the syringe. "Look at me," he murmured. She obeyed. "Now look at the needle. And now me again," he whispered. "Keep your eyes fixed on my face," he said, raising her arm gently.

She drew it away suddenly. "N…no…Johnny, I can't. Let's not do this. You're right – it's a stupid idea. I have my mask, I don't need…"

"You said you wanted to master your fears," he murmured. "I want to help you with that."

"And you will, baby, in time, I'm sure," she said. "But I'm not ready yet, Johnny. It doesn't feel right…"

"It won't ever feel right," he murmured. "Fear doesn't go away on its own. You need to understand it in order to master it."

He held the needle up to her face and she flinched. "You're not afraid of this," he whispered. "You're afraid of what you associate with this. Pain. Hospitals. Asylums. Doctors. Locked in a cell by a doctor, two years worth of suffering…"

"Johnny, please, no…" she stammered, shutting her eyes.

"Look at me," he repeated. She slowly opened her eyes. "You don't have to be afraid of that anymore," he murmured. "You're not a frightened little girl stuck in a cell. You're a beautiful, strong, intelligent, brave woman. You're my wife. And I swear to you now, I will never allow you to be locked away again. Never. I will always be there to rescue you, do you understand me? Always."

He drew her arm close. "And I will have my revenge on the people who damaged you," he whispered. "I will make them writhe in terror as they die slowly in agony, in torment, in suffering, as you were…"

"I'll get my own revenge," she interrupted.

"We'll take it together," he murmured. "As husband and wife."

She felt the cold point of the metal against her skin and cried out, snatching her arm away. "I can't do it, Johnny!" she cried. "I can't!"

He turned her face back to him. "It's an irrational fear, my dear…" he whispered.

"It still scares me!" she cried, as tears came to her eyes.

"Yes," he murmured. "Irrational fears are often the most powerful ones. They need another irrational emotion to cancel them out. Something to make you forget…"

He touched her cheek. "Do you love me?" he whispered.

"Of course I do," she murmured.

"Then trust me," he murmured. "All the fear will go away if you just trust me."

She nodded, taking a deep breath. He drew her mouth to his and kissed her, sliding an arm around her waist. The other slid up her arm, and she suddenly felt a sharp pain. She cried out, fighting not to panic, but he held her tightly against him, keeping his lips pressed against hers. Her eyes were shut tight and tears trickled down her lids, but she focused on the warmth of his mouth, the tenderness of his lips, and the love she had for him. He drew away at last.

"There, my dear," he murmured. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

She looked at her arm where a tiny hole remained, and then looked at him. She grinned. "Well…Johnny…you really can control fear, can't you?"

"Told you," he retorted, smiling. "I am the Master of Fear, the Lord of Despair, cower before me in witless terror!" he exclaimed, standing up and declaiming to the room. "Worship me, fools, worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible God of Fear!"

Valentina giggled, as he turned to smile at her. "All right, c'mere, my Lord of Despair!" she said, seizing him and pulling him down on top of her.

They spent the day lazily enough – Valentina sewed her costume together while Crane studied the escape routes from the University's laboratories. The evening came, and Valentina watched Crane as he dressed in his Scarecrow costume.

"It's probably not the effect you want, but you're adorable, Scarecrow," she said, grinning at him.

"Thank you, my dear," he said, kissing her. "Now let's see yours," he said, smiling.

She grinned and then reached for her makeup bag. She applied the same face as last time, and then slowly pulled on the pieces of her costume. She slipped into her heels last and then stood up.

"Well?" she said, twirling around.

He beamed. "Wonderful," he breathed, taking her in his arms and kissing her. "Just wonderful, love. It will be exceptionally difficult to keep my hands off you, I warn you," he said, pinching her bottom.

"Try," she retorted, pushing his hands away gently. "We need to be professional now, Crane. Save the cuddling for bed."

He sighed. "Very well. Let's go," he said, pulling on his mask.

"Wait just a second, Johnny," she said, catching his arm. "I have a present for you too," she said, reaching into a bag at her belt. She pulled out a tiny pumpkin with a jack o'lantern face painted on it. He looked at it.

"What does it do, love?" he asked, taking it from her.

"It explodes," she replied, grinning. "And releases fear toxin."

He smiled at her. "Exploding jack o'lanterns," he murmured. He ripped off his mask and kissed her passionately. "I love you, Jackie Lantern," he whispered.

"And I love you, Scarecrow," she said, grinning.

"You must be careful tonight, love," he murmured. "And if…Batman goes for me, I want you to run. I don't want him hurting you."

"You think I could leave you, Johnny?" she whispered. "I've seen what he does to you. I won't let him break your ribs again. I won't let him hurt you anymore. Don't be afraid of him."

He smiled and kissed her. "Neither of us have anything to fear anymore, love," he whispered. He pulled his mask back on and grinned at her. "Now let's go spread a little terror."


	20. Chapter 20

"It's odd returning to this place," said the Scarecrow as he and Jackie Lantern walked down the deserted chemical labs at the University. "So many memories, most of them unpleasant. Probably how you feel returning to Arkham."

"I don't feel anything returning to Arkham," murmured Jackie. "Just numbness. I had to make myself numb in there so I didn't lose my mind. But in a way not feeling anything is worse than insanity."

He took her hand and pressed it gently, leading her down the corridor.

"Halt! Who goes there?" called a voice, and an instant later a flashlight shone on them.

"I'll handle this, baby," said Jackie, reaching into her bag and throwing a jack o'lantern in the direction of the light. It fell to the ground as the guard started coughing. He looked up as they approached and fell to the ground, cowering in fear.

"No!" he gasped. "No, please don't hurt me!"

Crane chuckled, taking a deep breath. "Ah, the scent of fear!" he sighed. "Invigorating, is it not, my dear?"

"Mmm. Quite the turn on, baby," she said, kissing his cheek.

They left him writhing in terror and entered one of the labs. "Here it is, love," said Crane, picking up a vial. "A new chemical the University is developing in order to combat cancer. Even in its experimental stage, people will pay a fortune in order to test it, to prolong their miserable lives just a little longer. Such is the power of the fear of death, my dear."

He looked around. "If memory serves, there's a safe in that office there," he said, pointing. "See if you can't open it while I try to find the formula."

Jackie nodded, heading into the other room and leaving Crane alone. "Isn't this outside your normal office hours, Professor?" asked a voice.

Crane turned to see Batman stepping out of the shadows. He smiled. "Batman. Impeccable timing as usual."

"Give me the vial," said Batman, holding out his hand.

"No, I don't think I shall," retorted Crane. "I could drop it, however, and ruin months of difficult research for these poor, hard-working scientists. You wouldn't want to feel responsible for that, would you, Batman?"

"Better that than letting you go free," growled Batman. "Where's Dr. Crow?"

"He's at Arkham Asylum, one assumes," replied Crane, grinning.

"Dr. Alice Crow," snapped Batman.

"I don't know anyone of that name," he replied, still smiling.

"I think you do," said Batman, approaching him. "And if you don't tell me willingly, I'm going to beat her location out of you."

"She's dead, Batman," said Crane. "Quite dead."

Batman froze. "You killed her?" he demanded.

"I did no such thing," retorted Crane. "Her father killed her a long time ago. But she came back to life, despite him. And now she goes by a different name."

Batman seized him around the collar. "I've had enough of your games," he said. "Where is Dr. Alice Crow?"

"Dead, Batman," he murmured, grinning. "There is no Alice Crow. There is only Jackie Lantern. Or, if you prefer, Valentina Crane."

"What are you…" began Batman, but he was struck a blow on the head in that moment that made him drop Crane.

He whirled around to see Jackie smiling at him. "Boo," she whispered.

Batman stared at her in disbelief. "Who…are you?" he gasped.

"The Scarecrow just told you," she retorted, grinning. "I'm Jackie Lantern."

"Batman, do allow me to present…my wife," said Crane, smiling at her.

Batman gaped at her, and then at Crane. "Wife?" he repeated. "No, that's not…that's not possible. Dr. Crow, you…"

"I am not Dr. Crow!" she shouted. "I renounce my father's name as I should have done a long time ago! I am Jackie Lantern, bride of the Scarecrow. And you, Bats, are going to pay for threatening my husband."

She kicked him hard in the stomach, sending him knocking into the wall. Batman was taken aback at her violence, and lay winded for a moment, while Jackie grabbed Crane's hand and bolted from the room. Batman struggled to his feet and raced after them. He reached for the grappling gun at his belt and shot it at Crane so it twisted round his legs, tripping him up. He fell to the ground and Jackie stopped to help him.

"What did I tell you to do if Batman showed up, my dear?" he demanded.

"And when have I ever listened to you?" she snapped, reaching for the knife at her belt and cutting the ropes. Batman had caught up with them again, and she punched him in the head, taking him off-guard. She tried to punch him again, but he caught her wrist, bending her arm back. She shrieked in pain and Crane kicked Batman in the ankle, making him hiss in pain and release her.

Batman punched him hard in the face, knocking him to the ground. "Johnny!" Jackie shrieked, rushing to help him. Batman seized her around the waist, bending both her arms back and handcuffing her. Then he did the same to Crane.

"Let's go," he growled, hauling him to his feet and dragging them from the building.

Jackie sat in the back of the Batmobile, trying to remain calm as she saw the approaching spires of Arkham. Crane lay one of his cuffed hands on hers. "Don't be afraid," he murmured. "If they separate us, I'll find my way back to you. I promise. Whatever happens, I won't leave you for long."

She nodded, clutching his hand tightly. "I love you, Johnny," she whispered.

Batman dragged them up the steps and through the doors of the asylum. Jackie kept her eyes fixed on Crane until they were dragged to opposite ends of the cell block by the guards. She kept her hand in his until he was wrenched away, and watched him until the door to her cell slammed shut. She was locked up in Arkham again, and she was alone.


	21. Chapter 21

"Y'know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," said the Joker loudly at breakfast the next day. "But I don't really think it is. I think it's just unoriginal losers being pathetic copycats because they can't come up with any good ideas of their own."

"Maybe it's just because we're such good role models, Mr. J," said Harley, beaming at him.

Joker ignored her. "I don't appreciate people stealing my style, especially not Professor Lame here. And frankly seducing the doctor and making her your sidekick has been done, Johnny, and done better. I broke Harley's mind so effectively that I can beat her to a pulp and she still fawns over me. Can you do that to your henchwench?"

"I wouldn't want to," snapped Crane. "I love her."

"You're just saying that because you couldn't," retorted Joker, smugly. "Nah, I'm sorry, Johnny, you're still pathetic even if you have got a girlfriend."

Crane ignored him, casting anxious glances at the door to the cafeteria. He hadn't seen Jackie since they'd been dragged in the previous evening, and he was terrified that she might not be allowed to join the others. Maybe her father would order her confined to her cell…

But he let out a sigh of relief as the door opened and Jackie entered. She smiled at him as he raced over to her and hugged her tightly. "Love," he whispered. "Oh, my beautiful, beautiful love."

He gazed at her tenderly. "Have you slept? You look tired."

"I've never…um…slept very well here, even when I was little," she murmured, rubbing her eyes. "But it's fine…I'll get used to it. You don't look so great yourself, Professor," she said, smiling at him.

"I was up all night worrying about you," he murmured. "I kept wishing there was some way for me to break out and join you in your cell, just to hold you and comfort you…"

"You just wanting to hold and comfort me would be a miracle," said Jackie, grinning. "I know what you really wanted, Johnny."

He laughed, kissing her. "I can't deny that it's been difficult to go an entire night without seeing you," he murmured, stroking her hair. "We must break out of here. And soon."

She nodded, and then took his hand, walking over to the breakfast table. The Joker, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, and Jervis Tetch all looked up at their approach. Harley beamed.

"Hi, Val! Glad you're one of us now!" she exclaimed, gesturing to a seat next to her. "It's so much nicer being on this side of the glass, isn't it? I certainly prefer the company," she said, snuggling against Joker.

"So do I," agreed Jackie, beaming at Crane. "And yes, it's…um…good to see everyone again. I wasn't that comfortable hiding our relationship from all of you, but I guess the cat's outta the bag now."

"I told you all I wasn't lying!" cried Joker, triumphantly. "Maybe in future you'll believe me."

"When Bats dies," retorted Ivy.

"I believed ya, puddin'," sighed Harley. "My big, bad, strong lover is always right, yes, he is," she cooed, kissing his cheek.

"Harley, we found them in the janitor's closet," retorted Joker. "If you hadn't believed me, you would have been even dumber than I already think you are."

"Mmm, I love it when you talk dirty, puddin'," she sighed. "Speaking of the janitor's closet, you wanna give your Harley girl a deep clean?" she whispered, kissing him.

"Oh, Jesus Christ, Harl, just cool it, would ya?" he snapped, shoving her off him. "Y'know, there's a stereotype about guys being obsessed with sex, but in my experience, the dames are worse. You, the Plant Lady…"

"I think Harley and I just have healthy libidos," retorted Ivy. "But then they say as men get older, their sex drive starts to malfunction, so I blame your age. And the fact that you're nuts."

"That can't be the reason – Johnny's insane and older, and you can't turn his drive off," said Jackie, calmly.

Everyone turned to stare at her and Crane, who flushed scarlet. "My dear…" he began.

"Seriously, Harley, you don't know how lucky you have it," continued Jackie, ignoring him. "Johnny's relentless, and he's too cute to refuse, but you're always sore in the morning."

"Or maybe you're just really attractive to guys, Val," said Harley. "What's your secret to being irresistable?"

"I don't know," retorted Jackie. "I don't think it's anything I do – I think this one here is just trying to make up for all the time he lost. Plus he's a filthy old man," she whispered, leaning forward to kiss him. He was blushing bright red.

"Can we change the…" he began.

"So you get more than one go outta him?" pressed Harley. "I mean, Mr. J's sometimes in the mood for it a few times, but it's a rare thing. I always used to think it was because he was older…"

"Oh no, this one here can go all night," said Jackie, beaming at how embarrassed Crane was at the horrified looks he was getting from the table. He clearly wanted to crawl into a hole and die. "And he will, unless you make him stop."

Harley glared at Joker. "Why can't you be more like Johnny, puddin'?" she demanded.

"Because I ain't a repressed freak who's never had sex before!" shouted Joker. "I got better things to do with my time than try to satisfy some insatiable little blonde floozy!"

"You're a lucky gal, Val, to have a guy who wants you that much," sighed Harley. "He must really love you, huh?"

"Yep. That's why I married him," sighed Jackie, kissing him.

Harley had been drinking a glass of milk, which she abruptly spat out when she heard these words. "You're married?!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah. Couple days ago," murmured Jackie, smiling and holding out her hand to show her the wedding ring.

"Why wasn't I invited to the wedding?" demanded Harley.

"We didn't invite anyone – it was a really small affair in front of a justice of the…"

"Aw, I'm never gonna get to go to a wedding!" cried Harley angrily. "Forget always the bridesmaid, never the bride – I ain't even gonna get to be a bridesmaid! Red ain't getting married!"

She suddenly picked up her glass and threw it at the wall. "How could you do this to me?!" she demanded, furiously. "Have a wedding and not invite no one – it's beyond rude! It's offensive! Didn't you think other people might wanna share your special day?! Don't you have any consideration for your friends' feelings?!"

"Harley, it was _our _special day," reminded Jackie. "And we didn't want a big ceremony…"

"You nuts?!" cried Harley. "You got married! You're a couple now, forever and ever! Both of you made a vow to commit to each other for eternity, and you don't think that's worthy of a big celebration?! You must be crazy, Val! I'd want everyone in the world to know that puddin' loved me enough to marry me, and was gonna make me Mrs. Joker forever and ever, til death do us part, amen!"

She burst into tears. "But you don't care!" she sobbed. "You're cruel and heartless, and you don't care about my feelings, just like Mr. J! I hope you feel guilty about this, Val! I ain't never gonna forgive you! Never!"

She sobbed and rushed from the room. Everyone stared after her, and Joker sighed. "Yeah…Harley's got kinda a thing about weddings. You think maybe one of these days I'd just indulge the poor kid and marry her, but I ain't the kinda guy who's under my dame's thumb, unlike some people, eh, Johnny?" he chuckled. He made a cracking-the-whip noise and gesture, smiling at Jackie.

"Aren't you going to go see that she's all right?" demanded Crane.

Joker repeated his noise and gesture. "I'll go, Johnny," said Jackie, rising and kissing him. She left the room.

"Well, congrats, Professor Casanova," said Joker, grinning at him. "Maybe you can join the men's club after all."

"I wouldn't be comfortable playing poker with him," muttered Two-Face, eyes fixed on his food. "Got a bunch of disturbing images in my head now."

"Aw, c'mon, Harvey, I'll bet you're a real Don Juan too," chuckled Joker. "When you and the Weed Lady were dating, I'm surprised you ever got out of bed."

"Yeah, she was real demanding…" began Two-Face.

"Me?" interrupted Ivy. "That's not the way I remember it."

"Oh, c'mon, Pammie, you were impossible to satisfy," growled Two-Face.

"Maybe by you," she retorted. "Maybe that was the problem."

"You calling me crap in bed?" demanded Two-Face, standing up.

"You said it, Harvey, I'm just agreeing with you," retorted Ivy, smiling smugly.

"Take it back, you dumb bitch!" he shouted, rushing at her.

"Fight, fight, fight!" cackled Joker, watching the ensuing punch-up and giggling madly until the guards dragged all three of them back to their separate cells, leaving Crane and Tetch alone.

"Congratulations," said Tetch quietly, not looking at him.

"Thank you," said Crane. "I did want you to be there, Jervis, but you were locked up, and I didn't want to wait for the law to recognize us, just in case something happened to me during the…"

"No, I understand," he murmured. "I wouldn't have waited to marry the girl of my dreams either. I wish you both every happiness, Jonathan."

He stood up, about to leave. "No, Jervis, wait," said Crane. "I've…behaved very badly toward you throughout my whole relationship. But it was difficult, you know, having to hide it, and trying to cure myself and…well, I can make excuses all I like, but it doesn't excuse the fact that I should have been open and honest with you about it. If I could trust anyone, I could trust you. And I want you to understand that my marriage doesn't change anything between us. There are people who neglect their friends in favor of their partners. But nothing on earth will ever diminish our friendship, Jervis. I value you so much, and I always will. Please believe that."

Tetch turned to look at him. "When your world is nonsense, you have very little to cling on to, you know," he murmured. "That's why I need tea time precisely at six every day – I cling onto my routine. In madness, it's the only thing that makes sense. Our friendship never made sense to me, Jonathan. I can't imagine why anyone would want me as a friend."

"Well, you've always been my intellectual equal," replied Crane. "The only person who can truly understand the depths of my mind. And you…listen. You're there for me, and loyal, even through all the ridiculous trials we both have to face. I know…you truly care about me, and you were the first person to ever do that. I will never forget what it was like when I first realized I had a friend. And you do make a very good cup of tea, you know. And that talent cannot be overemphasized."

Tetch smiled at him. "Would you and your lovely bride be interested in joining me for tea tomorrow?" he asked. "Then we would be three at tea, just like the Mad Hatter, and the March Hare, and the Dormouse. It would be quite perfect, except we'd be missing Alice. But then I am always missing Alice. There is not much to be done about that."

Crane stood up, holding out his hand. "We'll be there," he said.

Tetch took his hand, shaking it slowly, and then embraced him fiercely. "I'm so happy for you, Jonathan," he whispered. "Truly."

"Thank you," said Crane, hugging him back. "So am I."


	22. Chapter 22

That evening, Crane managed to fiddle the lock on his cell and slipped down the corridor, to where he had seen his wife dragged off. He didn't want her to spend another night alone, and not just for the reason she mentioned, although that would be a delightful bonus, he thought to himself with a smile. But he knew how terrible this must be for her – to be confined in the place she had been trapped as a child. It must bring back so many horrible feelings for her of misery and loneliness and despair and…fear. He didn't want her to feel any of those things anymore. She was his wife now, and he wouldn't let her ever be afraid again.

He reached her cell, and was surprised to find it empty. "Love?" he called, looking around. "Love?"

His stomach clenched in fear as he saw that the sheets on her bed were disordered, and dragged across the cell. There had clearly been a struggle. He tried to remain calm as he searched the room for clues as to where she could have gone, or who could have taken her, although he thought he knew…

And suddenly it was confirmed as he found a name badge lying by the door, which had clearly been knocked off in the fight: _Dr. Isaac Arkham_.

He seized the badge and tightened his hand into a fist. Without wasting another moment, he rushed out of the cell block, knocking one of the guards out with the door and punching the other. He raced down the hall as other guards shouted and chased after him, until he reached an office. He threw open the door, ran inside, and slammed it, turning the key in the lock.

"Professor Crane, what is the meaning of…" began Dr. Leland, standing up in surprise from her desk.

He didn't respond except to throw the badge down on her desk. "Where…is…my…wife?" he hissed slowly.

"Your…what?" stammered Dr. Leland. But the guards broke down the door at that moment and hurried to seize Crane.

"No, let him go," snapped Dr. Leland. "Leave us."

The guards looked at her as if she had lost her mind, but obeyed, leaving the room. "Now please try to calmly tell what's going on," she muttered, locking eyes with him.

He told her the situation as quickly as possible. She only took a moment to process it and then took his hand, leading him out of the office. "Follow me," she snapped, heading for the security desk.

"Mitch, I need you to show us surveillance footage from cell 21A," commanded Dr. Leland.

The security guard looked up and did a double take when he saw Crane. "Um…Dr. Leland…is that…"

"I need you to show us surveillance footage from cell 21A," she repeated firmly. "Now."

"Um…yes, Dr. Leland, of course," he stammered, reaching for the buttons on his desk. They turned their attention to the screens, and suddenly both reeled back with a cry of disgust and horror.

"Oh…sorry…that's 23A," muttered the security guard. "Harley's cell…um…should she and the Joker be…doing that?"

"Nobody should ever be doing that!" gasped Crane, shutting his eyes tightly. "Dear God…what would possess you to…with a whoopie cushion?! How did they even get hold of a whoopie cushion in here?!"

"I would take it away, but I don't want to touch it after seeing that," muttered Dr. Leland.

"21A," said the guard, playing the footage. It showed Jackie sitting on her bed with her legs curled up to her chest. The door suddenly opened and Dr. Arkham entered. They only spoke for a few seconds before Dr. Arkham tried to grab her. She kicked him hard, knocking him back. He started forward again and seized her, but she struggled fiercely against him and broke free. He suddenly summoned two guards, who managed to restrain her with much effort. Then she was dragged from the cell.

"Let's see the footage from the cameras in the cell block," muttered Dr. Leland. They saw Jackie still struggling as she was dragged out the door and taken left. "Solitary," muttered Dr. Leland. "He's taken her to solitary."

She and Crane raced from the security desk back into the heart of asylum, turning left at the entrance to the cell block and heading down the stairs. "Love!" called Crane as they entered solitary. "Love, where are you?!"

"Over here, Johnny," murmured a voice calmly.

Crane entered a cell to see Jackie surrounded by three corpses. She smiled at up at him, and he seized her suddenly in his arms, kissing her desperately. "Oh, love!" he gasped. "Oh, I was so worried! Are you all right?"

"Oh yeah, Johnny. I told you, I can take care of myself," she murmured. "Too bad for Dr. Arkham that he didn't believe that. He did believe me when I told him I would agree to sleep with him, so he could dismiss the guards. Last mistake he ever made. Him screaming as I broke his face against the floor made the guards come back in, but they were easy enough to take care of. It's…nice to see Dr. Arkham's face twisted in permanent fear," she whispered, nodding at the corpse. "It makes me happy."

"I'm glad he was terrified at the end," whispered Crane, holding her. "He deserved it."

He tilted her chin up and smiled. "Are you in the mood for a little more revenge tonight, my dear?"

She grinned. "I'm always in the mood to spread fear, my Scarecrow."

He laughed and kissed her. Then he suddenly seized Dr. Leland and shoved her into one of the cells, slamming the door on her. "This is for your own protection, Dr. Leland," he said, taking Jackie's hand and heading for the stairs. "You will not be safe once the terror takes hold of the asylum. No one will be."


	23. Chapter 23

Dr. Abraham Crow was working late. He sat in the dark of his office, scribbling notes down by the light of a single lamp. He hated his work as he hated the patients he worked with, but he had become addicted to his hatred. He had nothing else left in his life but that. He had long ago disowned his daughter for her peculiar partiality to the insane and the disturbed. He hated her too, even more so than usual after he had been told what she intended to do – she was going to marry the Scarecrow. She was doing it to spite him. He knew she was. His daughter throwing herself away on a lunatic was just the sort of thing she'd do to infuriate him. She had always been a difficult, petulant, and contrary child, who disobeyed and defied him at every opportunity. He had hoped confining her in a cell would have taught her a lesson, but she refused to learn. She was nothing but a disappointment to him, and if he ever happened to see her again, he would tell her that.

He suddenly heard the sound of screaming from outside his office. It was joined by another scream and another, growing louder and louder. And then his door was kicked open and a strange young woman stood in the doorway, face painted white with splotches of red around the eyes, and a sewn smile. She was dressed in pieces from what looked like a burlap sack, and a mask hung from her rope belt. She smiled at him as the screaming continued to grow louder outside. "Hello, Daddy," she whispered.

He stared at her. "Who…are you?" he gasped.

"I'm your daughter, Daddy," she murmured, approaching him. "Your daughter, who you locked away in an asylum when she was a little girl hoping to scare her morbid tendencies outta her."

"Alice?" he whispered. "What have you done to your face?"

She ignored him. "It's a funny thing, Daddy, you thinking you could use fear to manipulate me," she murmured. "Scaring people isn't for amateurs, y'know. It can backfire on you if you're not careful. Because some people don't cower in fear their whole lives. Some people end up embracing the fear. Some people take it in, and use it, and then scare the people who tried to scare them. To death."

He smiled coldly. "You do not frighten me, Alice," he whispered. "I will never cower in fear of my own daughter."

"Oh, but I'm not your daughter anymore, Daddy," she whispered, grinning. "I'm Jackie Lantern."

"Jackie Lantern?" he repeated. "What kind of ridiculous game is this, Alice?"

"It's not a game, Daddy," she murmured. "It's the one thing in my life that's truly meant something. You see, all a child ever wants, and all a child ever needs, is love. You denied me that, Daddy. But now I have it, and you know what? I'm not afraid anymore. I have mastered fear, and it's all thanks to my husband."

Dr. Crow's hand slid into the drawer in his desk, reaching for the gun. He paused at this, horrified. "Your…husband?" he repeated. "You would dare make a mockery of the act of marriage by wedding one of those lunatics?!"

"Oh, there's only one lunatic here, Daddy," she whispered. "And in that respect, your little cure worked. I don't feel anything at all for him. I don't understand him, I don't sympathize with him, and I don't love him. In fact, I wish he was dead. And he will be, in a matter of moments."

"Remarkable child, isn't she?" said another voice from behind Dr. Crow. The drawer suddenly slammed shut on his hand and he howled in pain, wrenching his hand out and whirling around. "I do hope, if we're ever fortunate enough to have a daughter, that she will turn out just like her mother," said the smiling face of the Scarecrow.

"You get away from me, freak!" shouted Dr. Crow, as he fell back on his desk. "Alice, tell him to get back!"

"What's wrong, Daddy?" she asked, approaching him. "Afraid of Scarecrows? Isn't that funny? Personally, I love them."

She pulled a gun out. "You tried to kill me when I was thirteen," she murmured. "You failed. I won't."

She pulled the trigger and shot him in the face. She kept firing over and over again until his body slumped to the ground. Jackie stared at the body, completely unemotional, and then left the room with Crane following her.


	24. Chapter 24

The screaming hadn't stopped when they returned to the cell block – they had sprayed fear toxin through the ventilation system attacking most of the asylum, and now guards and doctors were panicking, or fighting each other, or just huddled in terror.

"Hey, great party, Johnny!" chuckled the Joker as they kicked open the door to the cell block. "Guess you ain't a total lamewad after all!"

Jackie fought the few guards remaining as Crane broke the locks on the cells with his scythe. He finished with Harley's, but she sat just huffily with her arms folded across her chest, glaring at him.

"Aren't you…um…wanting to escape, Harley?" asked Crane gently.

"I don't wanna escape with anyone who got married without inviting me," muttered Harley.

"Harley, don't be a dumb blonde!" shouted Joker. "Or we're leaving without you!"

"You go ahead and do that, Mr. J!" she snapped. "People are doing a lotta things without me now, so I dunno why the trend shouldn't continue! Anyway, it's a matter of principle! I shoulda been invited to your wedding, Johnny!"

"Ok, well, you weren't, and I don't know what you expect me to do about it!" he shouted.

"Have another one!" she shrieked.

"What?!" shouted Crane. "We're not getting married again just for you…"

"Hold on, Johnny, that's a great idea!" exclaimed Jackie. "Why don't we get married again, right here, and right now! There's nothing that will change this from the place I loathe to the place I love than having my wedding here!"

He stared at her. "But…love…who's going to marry us here?"

"I will," said Joker cheerfully.

Crane looked at him, puzzled. "But you have no authority to…"

"Aw, Christ, Johnny, don't ruin a perfectly good gag with details!" interrupted Joker, waving his hand. "C'mon, let's get everyone important over here. Who do you want as your best man?"

"Well…Jervis, of course…" stammered Crane.

"Hey, Hatty, get over here!" shouted Joker, beckoning him. "And who would you like as your maid of honor, Jackie?" he asked, smiling at her.

"Oooh, pick me, Val!" squealed Harley, shooting her hand up in the air. "Oh, please, please, please!"

"All right, Harley," sighed Jackie. Harley squeaked happily and raced to stand next to her as Tetch joined Crane. "Hey, dearly beloved, why don't we all just settle down!" shouted Joker as Ivy and Two-Face kept beating the guards.

"Screw you, clown!" growled Two-Face, seizing a gun from a guard and shooting him. "They'll be more of them coming! We ain't got time for this crap!"

"You just have no romance in your soul, Harv," sighed Joker. "I can see why Pammie dumped you. That and I hear you're crap in bed."

He ducked as Two-Face fired at him. "Hey, save the bullets for the guards, will ya?" shouted Joker. "Harley, can we get some musical accompainment, please?"

Harley whipped out her kazoo and began playing _Here Comes the Bride. _

"Right, dearly beloved who aren't killing people, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Professor Lame and…"

"Just do it properly, would you?" interrupted Crane.

The door to the cell block banged open and a group of guards suddenly raced in. "Looks like we got ourselves some wedding crashers!" chuckled Joker. "I'd better skip to the good part! Jackie, do you take Johnny to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and honor and cherish, till death do you part?"

Jackie threw a handful of fear gas jack o'lanterns at the approaching guards. "I do," she said, taking his hand.

"And Johnny, do you take Jackie to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and honor and cherish, till death do you part?"

Crane sliced a guard with his scythe, knocking another one back with the handle. "I do," he said, smiling at her.

"Then by the power vested in me, which is none at all, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the…"

Joker dodged a punch from a guard. "Hey! Trying to do a wedding here! You may kiss the…"

He ducked again, and kicked the guard in the crotch. "Oh, for crying out loud, just kiss her!" he shouted.

Crane seized her in his arms and kissed her. The fighting, the guards, and the cells suddenly melted away for Jackie. In that moment, she was the single most happy person in the world. And utterly unafraid.

They separated at last and then went back to fighting, as more guards had poured into the cell block. "Think you'll need to make a break for it, Johnny, if you wanna enjoy your honeymoon!" chuckled Joker.

Crane grabbed Jackie's hand and dashed past the guards out of the cell block. Guards followed them as they raced down the hall, and they were suddenly confronted with more guards heading straight for them. "This way!" shouted Jackie, pulling him towards an office. They burst through the door, racing across the room, and jumped through the window.

They were three storeys up, and Jackie landed heavily on her torso, crying out in pain as she felt her rib break. She struggled to her feet, gasping in pain.

"Are you all right?" asked Crane.

"I will be," she hissed. "C'mon, Johnny."

They headed for the parking lot. Jackie threw up the hood of the nearest car and hotwired it. Crane looked at her in astonishment. "Where did you learn how to do that?" he asked.

"I was a bad teenager," she muttered. "Get in."

Crane jumped into the driver's seat and she collapsed in the passenger's seat. He sped off into the streets of Gotham as she massaged her rib, hissing in pain.

"Are you badly hurt?" he asked quietly.

"Broken rib," she murmured, feeling it. "You've had worse."

"Yes, but it's a not pleasant feeling," he murmured. "Especially it being your first."

She laughed. "Why do you keep thinking I've never done anything until you came along, Johnny?" she asked, smiling at him. "Sex, hotwiring cars, broken ribs…I told you, I was a bad teenager."

She hissed again. "It's a bad break though," she whispered.

"We'll get you home and into the bath," he murmured. "And then we'll put you to bed and let you rest."

"Doesn't sound like the best way to spend our second wedding night," she murmured, grinning.

He grinned back. "Well, depending on how you feel, there might be something in between putting you to bed and letting you rest."

"I certainly hope so," she agreed, settling back and shutting her eyes, and trying to ignore the pain in her chest.


	25. Chapter 25

"I do believe you'll have a nice scar there, my dear," said Crane, as he wrapped bandages around her chest.

"Funny," she retorted.

"You must think of it as a wedding present, love," he said. "Something to celebrate the rather unorthodox marriage of the Scarecrow and Jackie Lantern."

"I guess it'll always remind me of that," she sighed.

He kissed her gently. "Every time it gives you pain, just imagine it's what I would feel like if you ever left me."

"You're such a sap, Crane," she sighed.

"I mean it," he murmured.

"Yeah, I know. That's why you're a sap," she retorted. "Cute, though," she said, grinning and ruffling his hair.

He lifted her out of the bath and carried her into the living room, placing her down gently on the sofa. "I have a proposition for you, love, while your rib heals," he murmured. "Obviously you'll be out of action in the field for a little while, but what would you say to a desk job at ScareCorp?"

"ScareCorp?" she repeated.

"This corporation I'm thinking of establishing to help me with my experiments – I think I mentioned it to you," he murmured. "You would be an ideal secretary."

"Secretary?" she repeated. "Try co-president."

He grinned. "We'll talk," he said, kissing her forehead. "Now you lie there, my dear, and I'll make dinner."

He kissed her and left the room, turning on the TV and hitting it to make it work. Jackie grinned as she flipped to the news and saw Dr. Leland being interviewed as medics carried out a body on a stretcher covered in a white sheet. "…Dr. Crow's years of…dedicated service," said Dr. Leland, clearly very uncomfortable praising him. "He will be…sorely missed."

"Any idea who did this, Dr. Leland?" asked a reporter.

"Um…there was a riot, so nobody can be sure, of course. It could have been any of the inmates," said Dr. Leland slowly. "He was by no means the only employee killed in the attack."

"Are all the inmates pacified and reincarcerated now?" asked another.

"Um…most of them," she stammered.

"Who's missing?" the reporter demanded.

"Er…the Scarecrow and his…accomplice…"

There was a murmur of voices and cameras began flashing as voices shouted, "Accomplice? A new supercriminal? Who is it?"

"I don't…have a lot of information for you at this time," said Dr. Leland quietly. "She was only brought in the previous day, and we have had a riot…"

"Does she have a name?"

"She is known as…Jackie Lantern," said Dr. Leland slowly.

The voices started shouting questions again. "Is she dangerous? Is she treatable? Will we be hearing from her again?"

"I have no further information at the present time!" snapped Dr. Leland. "Now if you'll excuse me, we have a lot of clean-up to do! No further questions!"

She stormed back into Arkham, slamming the door shut. Jackie giggled, switching off the TV as Crane re-entered the room. "The reporters wanna know if they'll be hearing from Jackie Lantern again," she said, beaming at him.

"Oh, most certainly, love," he murmured, kissing her.

"They also wanna know if she's dangerous," she whispered.

"Deadly so," he said, stroking her hair back.

"And if she's treatable."

He paused. "Is she?" he asked.

She grinned at him. "I'm afraid," she murmured, pulling him down to her. "That's she's completely and utterly incurable."

**The End**


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